Xmichra

The Rejected Poem.

2012-02-08T06:17:00.000-08:00

Why in the Night

*************************

In the fog and glittering
the scenes get so blurred
The past melds with the future
and the present is obscured
I can’t help but fall in line and watch the act play out
Control no more, I see the plot, but can’t get off the route

Why in the night
Where sliding doors live
Do you come back to haunt me
And all the shit we did

Why in the night
Are my memories be so strong
When mud is turned to crystal
And I can’t recall where it all went wrong

The morning comes and clarity returns with its gleam
Reaching out for something else hurts more than it should seem
When reality crashes down and thoughts go back to what’s right
The dream let’s go, you’re here no more, without even a fight

Why in the night
Does nothing make sense to my hope and sensibility
How does it twist into a pleasant nightmare
And make me not me

Why in the night
Does leaving the past behind not work out
How does it play the scene so well
And why does it seem I doubt

Why in the night
Do I not dream for my day’s life
Why in the night?
******************

Apparently It sounds too much like lyrics. I didn't know a poem had to be staunchy. And apparently It wasn't as hard hitting as the others. So next time I'll be sure to have no flow, and write about homeless/lesbian/politians/geniside and possibly aliens.

WWYD?

2012-01-26T09:35:00.000-08:00

I need to talk this out and need genuine feedback on an issue that’s not an issue.

And full disclosure here, this is about my kid and I never talk about this stuff so I am totally vulnerable here and will take flippant remarks as brutal attacks and I will lash out, fair warning. I trust a fair number of you in the web-world and that’s who this is directed to – for those who never comment, please continue to do so.

Anyway. So here’s the thing

The bean is in grade three. She has in prior years, not had any issues with achieving full marks (100%) on spelling and math tests. This year, she has been having issues with this, but not so much as I would think it to be a problem (she is still passing, and is still in the 80-90% mark).

I have been talking to her a little more about this because she is feeling like she is doing something wrong, or will get into trouble or something because she isn’t bringing home a perfect score on her tests. She gets really upset when we are studying when she gets the wrong answer (more with spelling than math, she seems to think that spelling should be easier and I don’t know where that is coming from either), and she is feeling like she is letting herself down, and us, when she isn’t at the 100%.

I’ve talked with her numerous times this year about how proud we are of her, and how it only matters if she gives it her 100%, and sometimes we do try 100% but the marks just don’t come out that way and it’s okay. I know that she tries hard, and we work together at home and I see her work hard, so I know she isn’t slacking, and 80% is still super good.

That is the general story. Now here’s the thing. I feel badly for her (like serious heart breaking bad) when she is telling me all these things she feels and I try to comfort her the best I can and I don’t expect her to have perfect grades (hell, I didn’t). But there is something in the back of my head that questions whether I should be doing something else differently to try and help her achieve that 100%... is that horrible?

I don’t know if that is something that can be done, and I knew that once the courses got a little higher in grade level that eventually her grades would vary. But I also know that sometimes we as parents can’t give everything that we need to our children, because they need something else. And I can’t help but feel that maybe she could be achieving that 100% if there were something else, some other style of learning or what have you that she was privy to.

I also don’t want to do anything to her confidence, or expect so much from her. Honestly I think that she is doing well in school, and she is a good kid. She is really hard on herself though, and I don’t know what to do to correct that. Especially since in the past we have given so much credence to her grades and report cards (because they have always been so good, and we want to encourage that).

Part of me also is thinking that I only think like this because my parents didn’t expect the world of me, so I didn’t try that hard. I know that’s unfair to them though (it was my choice after all) but I can’t help but think that if my parents had put a more diligent stance on Education performance that I may have done better because I had to. I also could have done worse, or dropped out. Who knows. I do know that The Bean very much mirrors my early life in terms of attitude and learning style, and I could sense when I was younger when things were slipping for me… and no one listened. Or maybe they did, but couldn’t or didn’t do anything. That could be true as well.

Maybe I am over thinking it. Maybe I just need to keep doing what I’m doing, and help her with what I can. But maybe I am not enough, and doing something now will help her later. I just don’t know… and I am feeling guilty over it all.

What would you do?

Parked.

2012-01-16T13:06:00.001-08:00

I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to write up a blog post for the last few weeks. At first it was just from being busy (tis the season)… but lately it has been because I don’t feel like whining about anything and it seems like when I start to talk that is all I hear. And worse, when I hear others talk that is all I hear. So my empathy/sympathy/apathy levels are all over the place. Not so good.

I think not making any resolutions has actually harmed me (mentally) and just the way I rang in the new year was totally displeasing.

I’ve had a really bad outlook on people in general. I’d give an excuse, but the reality is that people I cared for are letting me down and I just can’t get enough energy to give a shit. I don’t feel like talking it out or making amends (or in some cases even telling them that they pissed me off). It just seems futile. I know it’s more a “me” problem. But honestly just don’t care at the moment.

I normally am a fairly positive person, and making goals (and walking the walk) is a big part of me. I have no goals at the moment, and I have no effort that is waiting to be all used up. I don’t feel depressed, but I still feel… lost. I’m not used to not telling people how I feel and letting things just lay. I’m not used to not having goals and resolutions and such. And it’s just been somewhat annoying that I am not stir crazy over it all… it’s *almost* like I don’t even care. Almost.

I have to get myself back into gear… but for now I am in park

Yule and stuff

2011-12-11T07:54:00.000-08:00

Time has been snowballing for me lately. Just a lot of business, and mostly enjoyable, so I haven't had much to say here. The next three weeks are equally busy: Kira's Christmas play is this Tuesday, Cookie drive a her school thurs/fri, The Boo turns three on Sunday, new developement at my work has me in some meetings and sessions mon-wed after that, then xmas on the weekend, month end at work and New Years. CRAZY.

I thought I had all this time, and I've been done my xmas shopping for ages - but I still have to wrap it all... omgosh. And of course I am one of those people who wrap every-single-little-thing and pretty it all up. It looks like a ton of stuff under the tree, and looks so pretty!! I can't help it. lol..

SO in the case that I do get a little too busy and am not around much - I'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year :)

Musical Revolution

2011-12-02T05:11:00.000-08:00

So my pick to share this week may catch a few of you off gaurd - but none the less it's a great song.

This time of year reminds me of all the festivities that we do, and one of those things is cooking the christmas day feast. This includes a picture worthy turkey, and as has been said by many the best dang stuffing ever. It's wasted on me, because I don't like stuffing! lol... but still, I guess it's pretty good.

When people ask me what "kind" of stuffing I make, I answer - Scarbourough stuffing with a newfie twist. And though the deer in head lights look is pretty funny, the recpie is pretty basic. Bread crumbs, butter, onion, savvory, parsley, sage, rosemary, and tyme.

Pretty easy, and puts a lovely song in mind :)

The X Factor

2011-11-27T04:58:00.000-08:00

Aside from the show having my favorite play-on-letter (X) this show is my favorite singing show. I usually fall out of the shows becuase the tallent is washed out, the people I would want to win don't, or simply because there is no varriety of singers. This is not the case in the X Factor, and it sorta reminds me of a refined star search.

My two favorites are Josh Krajick (SO lovely a voice!):

And Drew (just Drew now, having her name be a hinderance I guess):

I do like some of the others, but these two I can see singing along with in the truck o' tunes. As a big bet - I'd say Josh wins it. But that pretty well dooms him to second place in my experience... still, I'd be really happy if either of these two won and happier still if they both produce albums. Just great vocals, one of a kind and honest. Love them both.

Poetry

2011-11-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

There’s a gouge in the linoleum floor from my first lesson
That when we are children it is that we are seen and not heard
And on that day it was though the mass of Gods wouldn’t listen
As your axe swung down, slicing the pleas of my words

The days get blurry and the teaching had no bounds
We learned when he was speaking that she was not allowed a voice
And as I cowered that day under the ironing board waiting for a stop in sounds
My heart was still when she found me and told me I had a choice

There was a change in scenery as a new house became a home
There was a rip of terror when we found her on the floor
And the shock that day when we learned that she was not alone
You can run you can hide but he is the man with the key to the door

How can you move when you’re frozen still
How can you find words when you’re not even breathing
How can I heal
How can I heal
When does it go away
Why do you find a way to stay
How can i heal
How can i heal
How can I make a scar, when I’m still bleeding

*~* Note on poetry: It's a poem dude. no reflection on the present, but taken from the past.*~*

Musical Revolution

2011-11-25T10:40:00.000-08:00

So I am bad and posting from work (hey- it’s my break and my company allows break time use!), but I can’t access youtube or anything fun like that. So My musical revolution song today is a click away: *~*~*~CLICK~*~*~*

I love this song. Maybe not entirely to do with the lyrics, but the chorus. I like the idea that we do find love in a hopeless place – we often find it when hope is lost and we need that love to help us. Weather it is internal, external, purposely or accidental… love is love and it’s generally regarded as a good thing. This song lifts me up in mood and makes me want to dance – because I find love in hopeless places, and it is divine.

We Found Love ~ By Rhianna (and Calvin Harris)
Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive

It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind

It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Music Revolution

2011-11-12T06:24:00.001-08:00

Totally missed yesterday on account of craft making. I manage to accomplish a lot though!!!

This week i've been anxious to hear this song play in treuck o tunes. Whe we went to see the Tiesto concert, Harwell was the opener and I lOVED him. SO FUN!!! This was playing as we walked in - and it get's me freaking pumped now even still....

On perfume…

2011-11-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

So if you have been reading my blog for some time you know that I have a ~~slight addiction~~ collection of perfumes. I don’t go crazy and buy a ton of perfumes, but once a year I purposely go out and get the one that I have wanted the most all year as well as a small little coffret sized one for my collection.

I’ll talk about my selection in a minute – but what I wanted to talk about is people who are belligerent about perfume use. What I mean by that, is the people who go around professing that they are allergic to perfumes and how they are evil, and how they prefer “breathing “ etcetera – the ones who are in your face and making demands of those around them on what they can and cannot wear, or rather what you should or shouldn’t do for all of those around you. To be clear - I am AWARE that there are scent-sensitive places (like in hospitals) and that some people really do have issues (like with respiratory problems or a real allergy) – and that is not who I am aiming this little rant at. It’s to all the people who bitch and moan about the overabundance of perfumes worn around them, how evil it is, how you are “allergic” to it, and how people are so inconsiderate (and a special shout out to anyone like this in a PUBLIC SERVICE capacity). To those people, I call BULLSHIT. Why? Because if you were sooooo allergic guess what else you wouldn’t be able to use? Soap. Bodywash. Lotion. Shampoo. Laundry detergent. Cleaning supplies. Pop. Plants. Booze. Baked goods. You get the drift? You also wouldn’t be able to go out anywhere (movies, dinner, shopping, work, the park.). The mere fact is that scent-based things are EVERYWHERE, and in EVERYTHING even your ‘non-scented’ crap is freaking scented. If you were really that affected, you would act and live like a person who was affected and not be able to do the things that I just talked about. And it would suck, and I would feel sorry that you couldn’t do those things. But that is a different case all together- this is not the point.

Tell me you just don’t like it. Tell me you are sensitive to certain ones where it bothers you. Hell; tell me that to you it stinks – and I’ll shut up and likely refrain from particular smells around you (I do for many people that I hang out with, I have a lot of perfumes I can pick one that you don’t mind – I swear.). I wear perfume every-single-day. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. And I rarely have anyone have legit issues regarding perfume (so rare that I can’t think of one single case, where a person was actually affected). So it pisses me off when a person goes off like that, when I know for a fact that A- we’ve hung out, and B- I’ve most definitely worn perfume and C- you have the audacity to sit there and lie about an allergy that if you had it, would be fatal or very uncomfortable - all because you want to make someone feel like they are doing some unspeakable act by wearing perfume.

Seriously, what the hell is the matter with you? Why do you do that? Its mean and you should stop. Really. The only person who would be meaner is the one that says that they are allergic when you wear a specific perfume – and no others. Don’t do that, you are being a jerk. You just don’t like something, and that is A-OK. Just tell the freaking truth about it, don't try and make me feel bad because of it.

I just can’t handle it anymore. I know that there are people who just plainly don’t like perfume, or tend to get a headache from particular types, or get very stuffed up with the abundance of scents. I know this – I am that person sometimes too with particular perfumes. But you don’t need to make an enemy from nothing, and you don’t need to be mean about it. I’ve kept my mouth shut for a long time about this… but NO MORE. I’m done. I am tired of being villain-ized for entertainment of another. It’s not cool man – it’s not cool.

-*- End Rant -*-

So. I bought this as my yearly splurge:

It is LOVELY. I think it may become one of my most worn scents actually. It is warm and comforting, smells somewhat tropical (like coconut sorta) and is not overly musky or flowered. One of the best smelling perfumes of the year I’d say, and was why it made my top choice list for purchase this year. Another part that I loved about it, is I can’t “age’ point it. I could easily see women of any age and ethnicity pulling this scent off – definitely not the case for some of the one’s out there (dubbed “old lady” perfume, or “hootchie smell”.. lol). It may be pop-star indorsed - but it's every day wear. Good stuff.

Poetry

2011-11-05T09:08:00.000-07:00

When you have a thought that won’t go away
And it eats so deep inside, to make the unbeliever pray
You know it’s going to cut.
You know it’s not a little rut.

A nightmare comes to life but it’s still in your head
You haven’t told anyone; just keep wishing thoughts were dead
You know it’s going to sting.
You know it’s not a little thing.

And you finally get the chance to let out your entire story
And you’ve never been so mad, and never been so sorry
You know it’s going to die
You know it’s not a little lie

Something has got to give,
If you’re banking on the currency of trust.
Someone has to give,
It’ s not a might, it is a must.
And If you can’t find it in your heart,
Then you have to move on...
But you’ve known me from the start.

~*~disclaimer for all poems: it's a poem dude.~*~

Musical Revolution

2011-11-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

I don't think I have ever featured this DJ (group) but in the world of techno, this guy is making a huge impact.

Deadmau5 (deadmouse) is one of my favorite listenings and I have come to really love a few songs.

My Saturday morning, surfing the web, drinking a cuppa joe music:

My driving along and want to sing song:

My getting ready to go out and want to appear sexy so I dance around to this song whilst applying make-up and hair styles:

A group with all the flavours - gotta love that.

Pixies and sea creatures

2011-11-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

For Halloween I dressed the girls up but go very few good pictures. They were either moving (blur), looking at me with that unimpressed look (listen lady - you are between me and my candy) or the camera just wouldn't cooperate. This is the best I've got:

Bella the pixie...

Kira as Laguna Blue (the creature from the black lagoon's daughter)

I wanted to get a better pic of Kira's costume so I could explain the detail of it and what I had to do to it so I'd let her out of my house. But this little blur of a child was so sugared that there was no shutter-speed quick enough. Suffice to say - I added more material.

In the interest of blogging

2011-10-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

I have been a very bad blogging buddy as of late, and haven’t written anything at all for weeks. So here’s a little update on things happening in the house of ~X~.

~ Bella had to go to the city for another check up on her heart murmur, and everything is 100% good there. Thank the gods. That drive was the first time that I have ever driven to the city with one of my kids all by myself, and was the second time I have ever made that drive. I think I am cursed, because both times that I have made this trek, it had been snowing (blizzard actually) down in the morning when I had to leave – and it’s been dark and hard to see regardless of the snow erasing the road. Luckily both times I evaded any nature of danger that crossed my path, and also have nothing to report other than the weather conditions weren’t favorable. But I’m thinking the next time I make this trip on my own, it needs to be July.

~ I had to order in Kira’s costume for Halloween, and although I *knew* what it was that she wanted to be… I didn’t think that it would be that … slutty. Seriously, when you are looking at a costume and how it looks in the picture on the packaging, and it looks WAY different than on your child, you really start to think about wtf some people are thinking… and wtf you were thinking. I’ve had to make some modifications to the costume so that I will allow her out of my home… but it’s still one of those costumes that you can tell it was skanky. I’ll have to take pictures this evening, and then you will see a little better what I mean. But it’s just crazy that costumes as soon as your kid is out of the toddler sizes, they are all slutty. And just when you think you can’t skank-up a costume, you are proven wrong. Why does Halloween have to be so… gross?

~ This summer, although I had done some really great physical stuffs (like climb a mountain) I also did a lot of bad stuff (like drink bear, eat ice cream and pasta, and do a lot of nothing) so I did gain back a little bit of weight. I have managed to get it all off now (thankfully!) and am trying to get myself back into a regimen for work outs and balance it out with my kids schedules and such. It’s boiled down to an hour between 9pm-10pm… but I am soooo tired then that I am not sure on the success rate. We’ll see.

That’s about all I have at the moment. People in my house have been sic, and busy (rinse, repeat) and my time in the evenings hadn’t accommodated web surfing. My only hope is to surf and blog on my breaks at work, and it’s been busy there too. So maybe, hopefully, with the aid of dress up pictures, work out updates and the on set of winter, I will have more exciting things to add to this page. I’m starting to feel like it’s turning into a music blog – and though that is fine enough, It’s not the purpose of this site. So. Until next time!

Musical Revolution

2011-10-28T14:42:00.000-07:00

Okay- I have been a very bad blogger lately. I have a thousand excuses, but the truth is I just didn't devote time to play on the computer. I could have. But I didn't. I'll be better next week :)

In the truck o tunes this week, a very sick (that's good) remix:

Musical Revolution

2011-10-21T15:46:00.001-07:00

I missed a whole week of posting.. whoa. I'm fairly sure it is from being sick and busy. But It may also because I have been lazy. lol...

to stop the lazy, a new reved up version of the song "Creep" originally done by Radiohead. I love this song, and was so very sceptical of this version. But damned if I don't start moving and grovin when it plays!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3

Poetry

2011-10-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

What is it worth when all that glitters is gone
The sun sets more times than the tick of a clock
Days fly by as though thumbing a flip book

All this time I spent worrying
And the things that wouldn’t change
Moving heaven and earth just to hear my name

Simple reason escaped me
The skies set stars faster than I can run
Illusions win over, making sense of what’s to come

Bleeding out ideas there is no design
Random needs chaos and eats it in tine
Completing a theory it rings in my head

I am the thief of my time

Musical revolution

2011-10-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

Two songs in the truck o' tunes got the volume turned up...

And an oldy caught my ear... was in the shower and this just landed in my brain:

Horrific Hope.

2011-10-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

It’s been a hard few months in my hometown, and I am feeling both anxious and saddened. In the last two months there have been four plane crashes, one which was a private plane (and the man survived) and three commercial flight crashes which have injured and killed 18 people.

“On Sept. 22, two pilots were killed when a Twin Otter float plane owned by Arctic Sunwest clipped a power line and crashed in between two buildings. Nine people were on board, and two of them were injured so severely they had to be transported to Edmonton for treatment.
On Aug. 20, a First Air Boeing 737 slammed into a hill outside Resolute Bay in Nunavut. Twelve people were killed and three survived. In an exclusive interview, survivor Nicole Williamson told the CBC's Peter Mansbridge that the plane seemed to break apart as it was preparing to land.”

And now with yesterday’s crash, 2 more have died in a series of crashes that have rocked my little hometown.

I didn’t know any of the people who have passed personally, but I know many who did. In a place like Yellowknife, you can’t help but know people through people – it’s how the community works. Not just Yellowknife was affected, since all the surrounding communities (very small, remote communities) also commute into and out of YK regularly.

There is a lot of pain, a lot of grief, and a lot of fear that is clouding over my once called home. Even I can’t help but buy into the stigma when I see this… you can’t help but wonder – why? Why after decades of flights is this just now happening, and so frequently? Is it the fuel? Is it the weather? Is there something or someone out to do harm? Why?

Logging into facebook this morning, I could feel that pain, the grief, outpouring from my friends. Status’s and profile pics are all changed in remembrance and condolences. News articles are shared and spread on every page. It is almost incarnate of a crash site itself, messy and brutal and overwhelming.

For my friends, and their families and loved ones, I hope that this string of tragedy ends. I hope, that the process of healing can finally start for them all. I hope.

Musical Revolution

2011-09-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

Todays music I fell in love with from a recomendation from my friend Shana. She doesn't have a blog, or i'd link her - she has really great taste in music and a very wide scope of genres. So I tend to like what she recomends... but this one was a hit for sure. Take a listen:

And now for something completely different....

2011-09-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

When I decide that I want to kill time I look to the news for entertainment, and it really never fails me. I was looking up stories in the ‘Science’ section (having burnt through ‘Canada’ ‘World’ and ‘Technology’) and guess what I found as the leading story?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-15002277

In case you can’t click that baby open – the headline reads “Scientists might have explained promiscuous behavior” .

I know you are thinking (as I did) that this isn’t what should be in the top notes of our Science minded people. But I read the article (and even the science mag link) and have to say that this is truly important to our community. Now when you have a friend that is amorously hyper-active, you can help them with these little tid-bits:

~ You most certainly are not a skank - you are simply avoiding the problem of inbreeding”

~ He may call you a slut, but actually you’re just letting your eggs decide with Darwin (survival of the fittest).

~ When you get ambushed on Jerry Springer with your sextuplets from different baby-daddies you can say “ I was just trying to propagate the species! Evolution is natural!”

There is so much to learn folks. Give the news a chance!

I don't even know how to title this post. It's a me-issue...

2011-09-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

I always have to start a post like this with some nature of disclaimer – because this post is me trying to air out my head and get feedback from people on what I may be missing. It’s not to be a total asshole and be disrespectful. I’m trying to work something out in my head and I can’t seem to get it strait.

Honestly I don’t even want to blurt out what I have been thinking – because it is wrong and judgmental. I just don’t know how to wrap my head around something that I *know* and make it be something that I believe. And I don’t want to just blurt it all out, because then that makes it all the more real – and in that makes me feel even worse because I know I am wrong.

What an intro.

So. There are a lot of people in my life that I love to death, and I want to see them happy. And I know when they aren’t happy and what happens to them and how they are when they aren’t happy. So it isn’t that I don’t see that. But I do not understand why all of these people require a drug to help them. SEE?! I *KNOW* better. I *KNOW* that all of the symptoms and reality of depression are very real. I *KNOW* that there is a lot of hype about the side effects and the myths on what the drugs do or don’t do. I *KNOW* all of this.

And I *KNOW* that the drugs do help if used properly. And I *KNOW* that I can see a huge difference. So why can’t I believe that it is ultimately good? Why can’t I believe that a person actually needs the drug? It’s something that my own mind is doing, and it is making me really upset with myself because I know that this thought process is wrong and it is undermining, and it is not helpful. And when I stop and think about it, I can make sense of what my problem is (sort of) and that there are some people (in the past) who I know used these drugs like a crutch and didn’t get the therapy that they should have sought and it really made me angry that doctors would dispense such things freely. It made me angry that those said people didn’t actually want to fix anything that was a problem – they just wanted to numb out of it. It made me angry that there were other people who said that they were depressed, got the drug (freely from a doctor) and took the drug – and they WEREN’T depressed (they had another issue which they refused to admit), and they ended up in the hospital from being nearly psychotically depressed and willing to hurt themselves. And in another person, taking the drug DID change them – but it wasn’t good, not from where I was sitting (and I am not going to get into that any further at all).

So when I think about it – I know that I am afraid of the drugs being dished out. I am afraid of my loved ones maybe not needing that drug exactly (maybe another, I don’t know). I am afraid that whatever the real issue is (depression, chemical imbalance, anxiety, struggle, ptsd, etc) isn’t being helped, and it’s just a pill that can make things worse. I know that this is my real issue, and I know that it is fear based. And I know that it really is situational to those specific people. And I know that I also pull in my own garbage (where I know I have been depressed and I know that I was in a bad dark place for a long time, but I worked hard to get out – without the aid of a drug, but at the time and still now I think I would have taken one had I had the choice. I didn’t receive help, and I didn’t look for it – which could be fatal and is NOT advised by me.).

I think I am just struggling with the use of this nature of drug … and I know my struggle comes from an honest enough place (love and worry for those I love) – but I can’t get the snap judgment of “you don’t need them” to go away. I don’t know why I do that. I don’t understand it, and I am ashamed of it. So I don’t know what I have to do to get that to go away. And for all of the things that I *know*…. I feel mighty lost and like I really don’t know anything. It is especially hard for me to wrap my head around because this field of study is where my heart was – and I really do still believe in therapy – I used to be so much more open minded and able to listen without that voice in my mind. I can still be an effective listener – but that voice is there now where I would like it to go away… I can still give the “right” answer but not the heart answer. And to me that is dishonest.

I am not happy with myself right now, and my attitude regarding this. I just don’t know how to start to change.

Musical Revolution ~Updated with song! And more!

2011-09-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

Okay – I have to admit that I don’t really know the real basis behind this song. And the lyrics are a little out there (even for Tori), BUT I love it. Tori Amos released her new album Night of Hunters this past Tuesday and I was lucky enough that my brother-in-law understands my love of her music and purchased the CD as a late birthday present :)

This song (as all the others) is played with a twist of a classical song (this one is a variation of Siciliano from Flute Sonata BWV 1031 – Bach) and the song itself reminds me of when you are in a fight with the person that you love – but the fight is silent. It’s like two people who are grasping at the differences between them, and just trying to see where they can regain the hold. I just find it beautiful, and heart breaking. It moved me.

BUT… I have no real idea what the song is about. Maybe it’s just about marmalade. Who knows. ;)

** NEWS!!**
So here I was thinking that I had no clue on lyrics... I was told (by lettle brother) that Tori has a blog!!(OMGOSH!) and shares insights on the songs!

Quotes

Edge of the Moon reveals a vow that “he” made to tori. She begins to remember what their relationship was like before the two of them allowed outside forces to pull them apart. In both Your Ghost and Edge of the Moon, we hear that there is a depth of feeling that still exists between the couple. The blame and the anger each had towards the other is transmuting itself into a place where the depth of their love for each other is stronger than the damage that was done to their relationship.
– Night of Hunters: An Introduction track by track by Tori Amos

***
Lyrics:

Edge of the Moon ~ Tori Amos
Here on the edge of the moon
Running from our future
As I look back
Your heart grabs my hand
Asking me
To remember a vow you made
That would always take
Me to the edge of the moon
Circling pictures of you

The time you sailed on
Under the diamond eye
Or for a dolphin who for a song had
Crossed night
To bring back your bride

Under a warm Tuscan sun
No cliff was too steep for us
Here at the edge of the moon
I surf a curve thrown by you

And did you teach me to fly
Past your marmalade sky
So that after the waning and waxing of love
You could find
Me at the edge
Here at the edge
Me at the edge of
The edge of the moon

Now I'm going back
Past that marmalade sky
'Cause you've got my waxing and waning
As primitive girls
You can stir the embers of the Lucy
Inside of my soul

Now I'm going back
Past that marmalade sky
'Cause you've got my waxing and waning
As primitive girls
You can stir the embers of the Lucy
Inside of my soul

Now I'm going back
Past that marmalade sky
'Cause you've got my waxing and waning
As primitive girls
You can stir the embers of the Lucy inside
The Lucy inside
Stir the Lucy inside of my soul

Here at the edge
Me at the edge of
The edge of the moon

over joe

2011-09-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve been feeling really ill this past week. If you want to read a re-cap you can head over to Pams Blog, because we have the same cold. Amazing since she lives in Texas, and I live in Alberta. I think sickness is faster than the speed of light.

My Aunt Sis died on my birthday. I wasn’t incredibly close to her (she is my step-grandmothers sister) but definitely didn’t wish her ill will. I know my grandmother will be understandably effected, and hope that she will be okay. Since my grandfather passed a few years ago she has come out of her shell a little and is funny, exuberant and actually very alive. I know that sounds funny (describing a person as being alive) but really, when your spouse dies that is a huge emotional ordeal. She, I think, has done well to respect his memory and still live life the way that she knows he would want her to. So I hope that once she has mourned her sisters passing that she does rejoin in life, and that this doesn’t negatively affect her. I know, that is a callous thought process… but I can’t help but think it really.

Sometimes I feel like I have the worst case of verbal diarrhea. Today I have been visiting a few blogs and commenting – and I feel like I have gone on and on. And then I look at the comment (after posting of course) and you know what? I have. So for those of you in that boat, I’m sorry. Must be the cold meds talking. Thankfully I have learned (after the 3rd or so blog comment) and have stopped commenting until I feel a little less rambley. Luck for the rest - this turned into a post. HA!

That’s pretty much it. I should go snort my Sudafed and sleep. *Zoink* (that was a joke btw).

Oh - and I was asked awhile back why I label these posts 'over joe' - it's because this is the sort of random crap i talk about when out for coffee. So think yourselves lucky that this wasn't a public conversation ;)

Yep. Uncomplicated.

2011-09-19T05:18:00.000-07:00

Found at Dr.Deb's this morning:

Life Makes You Happy

You are careful with your time and resources. You don't want to waste a single day of your life.

You know how to prioritize and figure out what makes you the happiest. Friends and family come first.

You are a very down to earth person. You are much more concerned with what is actual than what is possible.

The smallest and most boring things in life make you the most content. Your happiness is not complicated.

The Happy Pattern Test

Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

Autumn

2011-09-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my daughter was in the truck with me, and as we were driving she rolled down her window and said “smells like red outside”. I asked her what red smelled like, and she said “like summer died”. Lol… Kids are so awesome!

We had an abnormally hot week last week, and this week it seems to have cooled off quite substantially. I am in my glory, because with the slight chill in the air means beautiful sweaters and scarves. I love my sweaters and scarves! Honestly, when you think about when you were kid, when you would get cold from playing outdoors too long, wasn’t a nice cozy warm sweater just the best thing ever? I thought it was. Especially since I was allergic to chocolate (actually coconut, but we all didn’t know that then) and couldn’t have hot chocolate. So I was pretty happy with a sweater.

I am almost half way through September and this is the part I always wish to go faster. I understand Coops, you are in no hurry for October, but for me it can’t come soon enough now. One of the things that I have been trying to focus on the last few years is the way I project my thoughts about September (because I really do believe that we often get what we ask for).

I’ve tried hard to keep in mind all the good and positive things and just ask that September be kind. As though September were some nature of entity or force to be reckoned with. I will just continue to cross my fingers and be thankful as each day passes.

As for the onset of Autumn - I couldn’t be happier. Now I will just wait for the colours to change....

untitled (poem)

2011-09-12T16:55:00.001-07:00

Some of my favourite people are imaginary
Singing a song, playing along, just being merry

Out of the night into the day
Making the time slip fast away

So much in common, talking for hours
Conversation light or deep never goes sour

Wasting away, clicking on keys
Caps lock emotions and ctrl alt deletes

The thin veil of reality in high resolution
Completely complex adds to my confusion

Some of my favourite people are real you see
Singing a song, playing along, just being merry.

Musical Revolution

2011-09-10T17:24:00.000-07:00

Love this tune this week!!! Makes sense since I love Nadia (she sings Rapture as well - awesome tune) ...

Over Joe

2011-09-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

You ever had one of those evenings where absolutely everything in your life could be a blog post? Well I did last night – and I *almost* don’t even want to talk about It because it seems that each instance should be at least 4 paragraphs long. Lol… But I said almost ;)
You may want to grab a drink. And maybe a sandwich. You’ve been warned.

The Age of Wording…

I’ve been noticing lately that there is a definite age limit and requirement for certain words and phrases. Perhaps it is because I have a 2.5 year old and an 8 year old – so I can see where things turn.. but you can tell me if I’m wrong (which I doubt – I’m pretty smart).

Bella @ 2.5yrs – It’s bath time! Seriously? : you can tell that that she is excited for the bath, and her cute little newness of English makes the sound of the specifically articulated ‘Seriously?’ extremely cute.

Kira @ 8 yrs – It’s bath time? *SIGH* - Seriously? : you can definitely tell she rolled her eyes right? Because if not – she totally rolls her eyes when she indignantly says ‘Seriously?’… even though it is the same tone as Bella. It’s all in the eyes man.

My co-worker – you’re sticking with that story? Seriously? : Obviously we don’t talk about bathing to one another (how awkward would that be!?), but still. Her ‘Seriously?’ is chiding and funny, and just belongs in the conversation.

Anyway, so as you can see there is definitely an age range where saying specific things is cute, uncalled for, and normal function.

Walk or Run? …

We up here in the great white north (even though to me I am south), we have what’s called the Terry Fox run. Yesterday was the day my daughter’s school did their run, and it was just before they were let out for the day. I was there a tad early to pick her up, so I did the 5K with her.

You would think that this wasn’t such a big deal, since you can walk the entire length, but when you have a hundred or so five to eight year olds lapping you for the THIRD time? Your pride gets in the way. Okay well maybe YOUR pride wouldn’t but mine did, so naturally I started to run and catch up.

Let me tell you – those little buggars can run! And when they are driven by the giggling fit of glee which was kicking my ass, they run FASTER. I darn near killed myself in the +33 heat (that would be around 91 for you US folks. That to me is blisteringly hot – especially in September).

Isn’t it Ironic…

Don’t you think? Yes, we all get Alanis in our heads when those words are spoken – I get it.

So, this has been an insanely hot this past week (for us, for September, as previously noted) and of course this is the week that my A/C dies in the truck. Add to that Kira being back in school, so I have to go and pick her up at school, then drive across the city to get Bella, then back across to get home and this adds up to be a very long, hot drive (I bet that last bit picks up the wrong crowd from google search). I could fork over the 900+ dollars it would cost to get it fixed. Or I could suck it up and wait, save money and do it when winter is done. It’s going to get cold here eventually, so I just need to stick it out until then… but it’s SO hot… *grumbles* …

Happy Anniversary…

This sort of came about from our office receiving a “global office” message [(aka, mass e-mail to our whole corporation) – you see how brackets can be used for function instead of sarcasm? It’s pretty versatile that way.]. We got this message talking about the ten year anniversary of the nine eleven attack on America, and my co-workers and I got to talking about what this may mean for our fellow State-side co-workers who travel frequently. That conversation was fairly straightforward, but it got me to thinking about what anniversaries really mean to other cultures – if they even mark such things – and if there is just our own hype on our own assumptions of how things should work. I might be making the wrong statements here and pressing some buttons (I’m sorry – I mean no offence) , but don’t you think that it would be kinda like failing terror-school to do things on the same days? That somewhat makes you predictable. Just sayin’. Again- sorry for the bad juju – I mean no offence. Unless you are a terrorist. Then yes, I meant to offend you.

Okay so that is all I have for now. I will have to get back with a late Musical Revolution. Go take a nap – you’ll need one if you made it this far down.

Mortified.

2011-09-08T09:51:00.001-07:00

Birds terrify me. It’s no big secret, and is really apparent when a bird comes too close to my personal air (which for birds is about 50 feet all the way around). Though where I grew up there were a lot of ravens, so I wasn’t ever really freaked out by them. Odd in itself, as the raven is known to be pretty aggressive when it comes to food… and they would totally eat you, your friends, their friends, and your watch if you’d let them. Opportunistic feeders, they are not picky that you are made of big mac’s or salad. They just eat.

Anyway, so I have this long standing fear of birds except with ravens. But today, something freaked me out bad. I was walking to my truck this morning and a loud noise sounded through the empty street – and a FLOCK of ravens came pealing over my house and quite literally like out of the Hitchcock movie, I let out the bloodiest scream of terror over birds.

My neighbor (across the street) was sure as heck shocked because I was screaming like a banshee ( but seriously – what the hell birds!) ,anyway, so my neighbor was in his garage and came out running (likely thinking that I was being murdered) and when he saw me cowering by my truck he gave me the look. You know, the ‘I’m so embarrassed for you, dumbass’ look. He called over ‘so- you’re good then?’ and I turned a million shades of red and almost died.. Managed to quickly quip ‘erm- yep’ and dashed into my truck speeding off to work in full and total humiliation.

This is how I started my day. I’m pretty sure that unless you got “pants'd” in front of a large crowd that your day is going much better. Me? I am begging all the gods in all the worlds that I don’t run into my neighbor tonight on me return trip home…. SO EMBARASED.

In sleep what dreams may come....

2011-09-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

It is a warm summer’s day
The grass is green, rows of wild flowers are lining the path
The sun almost blinding, creating a glow all around
I know I am dreaming, as I see myself from behind, bouncing dark curls
Running in slow motion, sundress swaying in the wind
I can hear the same song, children singing in chorus, and I am running
Trying to get there, to where the singing is...
The light flashes and I look into my hands, blistered from the sun’s rays
And all I can do is cry, and listen to the Childs song.

It’s a cold winter’s day
Yule is upon us and the vibrant noise of shoppers is all around
There is a storm underway, the snow lightly falling
I know I am dreaming, I see myself wrapped in a grey wool shawl staring out a shop window
I can hear the same song, children singing in chorus, something terrifies me and I start to run.
Faster and faster in the whiteout of snow, knit edging frosting over
Trying to get there, to where the singing is...
The white seems endless and I look into my hands, bloodied and strained from the intense cold
And all i can do is cry, and listen to the Child’s song.

Always the same two dreams. Never in the same night. Nightmares of something horrible about to happen, and the urgency trying to get to the voices is unbearable... to get to the children in time. I don’t know why or what happens to trigger the dream... but it leaves me feeling lost when I wake.

Ramble. Or chatter. Whichever.

2011-09-01T13:33:00.001-07:00

I look at my blog every day. I come here because this is where most of my links are for people I like to read and the venues that I visit on-line. This should also tell you that I am not on here for long (no Farmville for me my friends). But I look at my blog and think of it like a poor neglected beast. Poor thing – it’s neglected, most it see’s is my Friday music post.

I think to myself “Self, you need to write a few posts of brilliance and stagger them out with auto-post.” … obviously I don’t quite get to the ‘do’ part.

Summer I think gets to everyone, things that are indoor activities tend to go wayside in favor of sunny days and umbrella drinks. I don’t drink nearly enough umbrella drinks… actually I don’t think I have had a single one this year. But you get my drift. The summer fun must be had, and shall not be thwart.

Now, we are moving into my most dreaded and loved time of year. September… oh how you are the beauty and pain of my life. Every August 31st I cross my fingers and just throw good and positive energy into the universe and kindly ask that September be kind. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind. Positive Universe vibes…

Seems if I thought to make a brilliant post, I missed my mark. However you do get to share in my anxiety over September. How lovely for you, I am sure ;)

The best and worst thing I ever ate (Jasper edition)

2011-08-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

While on our trip around the Hinton/Jasper area we ate in a few places. A couple of good places (the bear paw bakery and Something Else Steakhouse were good) but this was by far the winner...

A very lovely place to eat, there was the sit in or balcony seats...

The flowers may have seemed like a lot, but it actually wasn't bad at all. Mark is pretty sensitive to florals, but this area just smelled sweet.

Appetizer:

My dinner:

Marks dinner

SOOO GOOD!!! The Alfredo sauce in my dish was hands down the best I have ever had outside of my own very difficult recpie!! Honestly, it was perfect! And Mark said that the meatballs were very flavourful, and he sauce was perfect! Plus look a that brucheta!! SO GOOD!

Added to that was a very good server. She was polie, thoughtful, explained he dishes very well and was just on the ball all the time. We had a really great experience because of her. She wouldn't let me take her picture though ;)

And now for the loser:

Jasper Pizza Place. SO WRONG. It looks lovely though, doesn't it? and we got to sit up on the rooftop patio (nice scenery, good music, easy going atmosphere). So you'd think that this would be a great experience. But let me tell ya.

This is where I wish I had taken photos, but after the story I bet you’ll see why I don’t have a picture of their pizza.

We got there and were greeted by our server, and she brought us menus and took our drink order.

She came back (without drinks) and took our order (popcorn ribs and a pizza (pepperoni, green pepper, onion) to share) about five minutes later.
We got our drinks about ten minutes after that.

Then we received our appetizer about twenty minutes after that, even though we had requested both foods at the same time. No big deal, we could wait the five minutes.

Or so we thought.

THIRTY minutes later the pizza arrives. Pepperoni, green pepper and mushroom. I am allergic to mushrooms. Our server flit’s off to fetch a corrected pizza.

I ask another server for a glass of water (because we hadn’t been spoken to other than with the pizza thing).

We wait. And wait. And wait.

Another half hour later our server says (as she runs by) “It’ll be up very shortly!”...

So we wait. And talk about walking out, and we were thirty seconds from the door (and have waited another half an hour) and the pizza arrives. I ask for my water (that was forgotten by the other server) and she brought me the water.

The pizza was not very appealing, the onions were “caramelized” and globbed into the center of the pie. But you never know with appearances. I pick up a piece to taste, and it’s BURNT underneath! I refuse to eat anything else at that point, and Mark choked down a piece because he was so hungry and was feeling like that was a mistake.

By this point, I am angry and feel like I am being held hostage because I can’t even flag a wait staff member down to complain, or to get my bill. I get up and go to the server, and ask her for our bill.

She asks me if i am done with the pizza, and I tell her that I think it is absolutely disgusting and wouldn’t eat another bite, and we didn’t need that boxed up because it was burnt and gross.

She rushes off, gets the bill, and she gives it to me, in FULL price. I walk with her to pay, and she let me pay FULL price. So at this point I am pissed. I ask if there is a manager downstairs that I can talk to (because i was sure there wasn’t one up here with what was going on with the table next to us as well) and she says “yes, he’s right here actually” and points to the server who forgot my water. Seriously.

So I am mad, not *yet* yelling, and told the guy that I couldn’t believe that they had the audacity to let me pay full price for a burnt pizza, that was wrong to start with, and I had to wait over and hour and half for. Never mind that I hadn’t been actually waited on, and that the entire wait staff avoided our table completely, and I couldn't even get a glass of water. Our server pipes up and says "I brought you water!" and I said - yes, you did, after about a half an hour later after I asked your manager for one.

And do you know what he says to me?

“Well as for the pizza, that isn’t my problem”

SERIOUSLY!

I didn’t let him finish. I yelled at him “YOU are the manager, it IS your problem! YOU can kiss my ass!” and I walked out.

I knew that I wasn’t going to get anywhere with that guy, and I was frickin’ hungry and tired of that place. Mark and I ended up going to KFC and had a MUCH better experience. How freaking bad is that?!
So my advice? DON’T go to Jasper pizza place. It is NOT worth it at all. Unless you like rude people, burnt sloppy gross pizza, and a jack ass for a manager.

Musical Revolution

2011-08-26T05:42:00.000-07:00

Two songs this week that I could play over and over...

(sorry for the commercial - i don't control these things!)

On top of the world

2011-08-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

Or at least on a mountain ;)

Last week we ended our Jasper trip with a walk up to the Sulphur Skyline.
Stats:
5.1 km up - 3 hours. 5.1km down - 45 minutes. lol...
Elevation Gain: 700 m (2,300 ft).
Short and steep, but very rewarding.

Video #1 - About half way up, in the 'valley' view of the trek.

Video #2 - the saddle of the mountain; I didn't make it to the very top (vertigo is a real bitch my friends. but Mark went up and said it was totally not worth it, and the view was pretty well the same).

We also took a trek to the source of the hot springs. I thought this little video could be a nice little break for the days that make me long for nature...

It was a crazy good week.

Musical Revolution

2011-08-12T05:44:00.000-07:00

This is what I have been cranking int he truck 'o tunes this week:

Slumber - Tiesto club mix; Steve Forte Rio Ft. Lindsey Ray

I had so much to prove
but you gave up on me so fast.
And now that I’ve lost you,
I fall asleep with a memory.
For I dream just to see you,
there’s nothing more I can do…

My soul yearns for slumber,
cause when I wake up
we haven’t got love.
My heart burns for your comfort
so I dream tonight,
I’m coming home, to you!

Awake in this world
Lettin’ all the future I’ve planned
Comin’ her world
That sleep is my last remedy
For I dream just to see you (ooh)
There’s nothing more I can do…

My soul yearns for slumber,
cause when I wake up
we haven’t got love.
My heart burns for your comfort
so I dream tonight,
I’m coming home, to you!

My soul yearns for slumber,
cause when I wake up
we haven’t got love.
My heart burns for your comfort
so I dream tonight,
I’m coming home, I’m coming home!

This week

2011-08-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have a hodgepodge week coming, and it’s all over the place with emotions. Let me explain:

Sunday – We will be taking Kira to a few local stores for back to school shopping. We’ll be getting her standard school list and looking for a specific brand of clothing (because she is NEEDING it, omgosh). SO the emotions for this day I imagine: frustration, exasperation, desire (for more money) and sadness (over money spent).

Monday – We need to take Isabella into the city to see a children’s heart specialist about her heart murmur. We’ve been told not to freak out, but she needs to be checked and make sure everything is okay. Many children are born with a heart murmur and grow out of them. SO the emotions for this day I imagine: worry, nervousness, near tears, and crying (from grief or elation). Cross your fingers for us.

Tuesday – At work we have an appreciation type breakfast, and I will be required to help set up at 5:30 in the morning, as well as be a happy shiny welcome type person, then take pictures of the event. SO the emotions for this day I imagine: tired and grouchy, fake, numbness of the brain, and then finally relief.

(pic found here:http://www.bluebison.net)

Wednesday I catch a break – so we’ll see what happens there.

Thursday – I need to have all of the kids clothes and ours washed and packed as they are going to their grandparents again for a week, and we are going elsewhere for a week. So I imagine my emotions will be: excited, nervous, worried, rushed, scattered, hyper, tired, and crashing.

Friday – oooo the excitement. After work I will be driving the kids, by myself, to their grandparents. This can be a rather tricky drive with the girls, given that it’s all up to their mood that day. BUT on the way back I get to listen to 2.5 hours of uninterrupted techno blasting! SO I imagine my emotions will be: exasperated, frustrated, strained, concentrated, grooving and sunshiny.

Saturday – Is a travel day for Mark and I, so honestly all emotions involved ever can be there. We talk about everything and anything when we drive places.... let’s hope we make it alive ;)

Musical Revolution

2011-08-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

This weeks music is thanks to So You Think You Can Dance (sorta)...

See this week Tadd was wearing a SNAP! shirt (yes my eyes catch these things, I'm old people!)

and it made me think of this song (which I LOVE)...

And then Mel's Solo (SO GOOD):

Which reminded me of another Belle Humble song that I love:

so that's what I was off-rail but on-track about this week :)

I am sick. But not dying.

2011-08-03T11:52:00.001-07:00

Days like today I could have just as easily stayed in bed. And I wish I was a little less a workaholic sometimes for that very reason. But apparently I can’t seem to take a sick day unless I am dying and my boss literally throws me out. What is the matter with me?! There has got to be some nature of psychosis that goes with that… no one does things that don’t make sense without some reason… known or not. Maybe. I think.

I have a few orders on the go from jewelry sales (and a current project) so that revenue goes directly back into the beading fund and will be turned into lovely pretty jewels :) I have to shop for some mainstay items though, and that is not so much a pleasure. I mean really, wire thread and findings aren’t all that interesting you’d think – but I get all caught up in it and could spend HOURS browsing through all that my main three carriers have in stock. So I try to let that shopping happen when the kiddo’s are away or on a Sunday morning.

I don’t know why that works out so well, but on Sundays my house gets a lot quieter. Mark and I have different days off, but share Sundays off. The kids generally don’t have anything that they need to do on Sundays either. So unless we are having some nature of celebration (mother’s day, birthdays etc) then Sundays become a really easy going day, even more so in the early morning when everyone is asleep. I like that time, to drink my coffee and read my e-mails etc. it’s just good.

Okay – enough blather. I think I have board you all to death.

What would you give? What would you lose?

2011-08-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

Sacrifice. Compromise. Work. Finances.

These are the four most used words I hear when I am talking with people who are in a relationship, weather it is going strong or dissolved. For the most part, I can see why those words are used. A healthy balance of struggles is what makes a relationship stronger, and what more struggle is there than with those things? Everything that you do and your partner does, will affect how you are together and apart. Everything you say, you believe, just about you in general is important to you and your partner in the process of relationship building (or disintegration).

It makes me sad and shocked though, that there isn’t another tab word up there that should be used just as commonly. Family.

Everyday I see people struggle to stay in a relationship that they are in. Everyday I hear the stories and what is coming of it all. The sacrifices one has made for the other, the compromising that was done to make anything work, and the struggle of financial situations. Yes – these things are all very important. But when on earth did it become a “ME” and not a “WE”? Where did it come down to only personal happiness and personal fulfillment… and not for the family?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anyone staying with someone that is abusive or uncaring just for the family. What I am talking about, is that we have become, so it seems, more selfish in what we think is acceptable in our relationships and would choose to break up a family in order to have that side of ourselves fulfilled.

Over the weekend I was talking with a couple of friends who used to be a couple and are working through the process of separating but still together. Of all the things that they were talking about breaking them apart, I couldn’t fathom those things interfering with my relationship with mark. But this wasn’t the first time that I had heard this sort of talk, and they are getting told all sorts of things from other people… all about materials.

I would walk away from my house, my truck, my camper, my things, if it meant that Mark and my girls and I would be okay. I’m not kidding, and I’ve been in that situation before. I will always choose them over materials. I need them to be happy, not stuff. Stuff often clutters your senses and your priorities, and you end up working too hard for shit that doesn’t matter. In my opinion. And second to stuff is the balance of time. I can’t be working 14 hours a day and expect my children to know me, or vice versa, so I need to make sure that I am available. Why? Because it’s my FAMILY at stake if I don’t.

It made me really sad this weekend to watch the dissolution of a great friendship over material, money and recreation time. And it made me really wonder where the hell the word family has gone. What would you trade for your family? People say nothing…. But actions do speak louder than words.

Musical Revolution (it's catching on!)

2011-07-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

Not only because I love this song am I going to post it - but also because this Saturday is National Dance Day!!! You can check out the moves at the So You Think You Can Dance website and participate, or just dance your way in your own time!! I love dance, and I love to dance, and I'd love it if a movement like this caught on and just spread joy!!

CUZ EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'!

The soon is here.

2011-07-26T16:35:00.001-07:00

I always find that when I disconnect from the media and communication devices, and go into a more nature-based setting, that I feel a lot more calm and sane (well, relatively). I am fairly sure that there are many out there that feel the same as I do in that regard, but I also know of other that do not make happy campers ;)

In the week that I was away, I was able to read an entire book (and part of a second!), sit down and eat while my food was hot (amazing with small children), spend a lot of time getting to know the people my children are becoming (I seem to need to catch up), and to spend time with my husband (both alone and in the family setting). All of that is great – amazing really. And the thing that always surprises me is how I can streamline my thoughts.

What I mean by that is normally in the day to day rush of life, I forget to pause and think about things. It doesn’t really have to be about anything cataclysmic. But just to think about whatever it is I am doing, seeing, hearing, etc and think on how I feel about it at that moment, and think about how my reaction should be.

I have had a lot of thoughts on some things in specific, and this week off gave me enough comfort and space to think about them. Here are a few things thought up...

I have become more judgemental on many things, some just from life experience (if you don’t get insurance for your car, don’t expect me to help you finance your fender bender) and some is just from feeling like I am superior. Yes, I said it. Do I feel that way all the time? Certainly not. But there are moments, where people will do things that I have already learned the lesson from years ago, and I feel more capable, stronger, less a mess than they in their moment. It bites me in the ass though, because three seconds later I feel like a total asshole, and help the poor unfortunate soul.

You cannot think of someone for what may be an eternity. But if they suddenly pop into conversation, You still would like to stick a riffle in their mouth and pull the trigger.

Just when I think I am 100% over something, I learn that I am not. But I am still better... and that doesn’t make sense, and at the same time makes total sense.

Just because a camping marshmallow is four times the size as a regular marshmallow, doesn’t make it any less yucky with it’s marhmallowy-ness.

Depression is a tricky beast. For the most part, I do not fall prey to the animal (and have found ways to ensure I don’t spiral). I feel that if I can allow myself my sadness in the right way, then I can feel that being happy is just as okay. So... I am okay most of the time. What I can’t help is others who feel the sting of the beast, and haven’t learned how to not feed that wolf. I used to be able to understand more, and be more supportive. Somewhere along the way, I have lost a measure of my compassion and understanding, and it has been replaced with pity and shame (from me feeling pity).

I’d like to think that I am a fairly compassionate and fair person with my friends and family at least... but I know I fail them at times.

Sometimes when the rain falling, I close my eyes and listen to natures song until I fall asleep. It is the best sleep I get, and void of dreams.

Truth is a lie. I know- big revelation there.

When we taught our eldest daughter to read, I never thought I would be more proud (it really is hard!). But this summer she has read four books, and reads every night with her little light and big brown captivated eyes scanning each page... and I can’t help but well up a little. It is a beautiful sight.

***
So many thoughts and so many wonderings yet to have. It was a really great week away from life, and really great to live.

soon-ish

2011-07-25T05:41:00.001-07:00

I will be back later today (or tomorrow) with a post. Last week I was away on holidays, and I have a bit to share about all sorts of stuff. Stay tuned ;)

Musical Revolution

2011-07-15T05:36:00.000-07:00

It's Friday!!

Not showcased in the truck o' tunes this week, but in my head, Tori was singing in the backdrop of my week. I tend to turn to her music when things are rough... she's my favorite and I love her voice. This week I kept going to Jupiter...

Sure. I'll bite.

2011-07-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Stolen from the awesome coops bloggotorium

Musical Revolution

2011-07-08T05:32:00.000-07:00

This week has been sorta bad for me. Sorta being a word that you can sub out for miscellaneous swear words. Long story short I had a cyst burst (size of a golf ball) and my back is inflamed from lack of room in the ovaries. So. I've been super happy. And I woke up at 4am yesterday because of a major lightning and thunder storm... so... this song stuck...

Musical Revolution ~ The Patriot Version!

2011-06-30T05:43:00.000-07:00

(Published early as I won't be here tomorrow!!)

Today is not only the Musical Revolution Friday, it's also CANADA DAY!!!

So in honour (see that U?) of some Canadian artists and their Canadian anthem-esque tunes, I have posted the four top songs that stick in my mind about being very Canadian. Not your genre? That's okay, we have a lot of wicked DJ's that play here too. But for today, I'm waving my flag all over the place :)

Ian Tyson - Four Strong Winds (this is the Johnny Cash version that I grew up on)

Sloan - The Rest of My Life (I still sing this yearly!! One thing I know about the rest of my life - I know that I'll be living it in Canada!)

The Guess Who - Running back to Saskatoon (come on, you guys have heard of the Who right?!)

Stompin Tom Conners - The Hockey Song (it just wouldn't be Canadian enough without this song. You know it. We know it. It's alright sometimes to have a sterotype ;) )

Dear Miss.Monster

2011-06-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Miss.Monster, how are you? I have to say that I like the idea of being the mother monster – It makes me like you a little more in fact.

I’ve a good appreciation for music (okay I love music) and I really do love your music even though some people may roll their eyes at my declaration. I do however have a bone to pick with you. See, I’ve recently went and bought your album (CD? I don’t know, Album still sounds better) and have now had the opportunity to listen to all of the songs that are on it. Where is said bone picking? Well I’ll tell ya. It’s in your song Hair.

You may not be an avid follower of my blog (which I totally don’t get), but I assure you that I had this idea long before this song came out. Seriously, you can check out the copy written time stamp right here. Anyway, it’s clear that I have openly divulged my undying love of hair dye and cuts and just wearing my hair whatever way I want so that I feel like me, and better and just love to be that person... You go and make a darn song out of it, and don’t even list me in the credits! Really Miss.Monster, was that the right thing to do? I thought not.

I will be looking for the re-publishing of your album jacket cover as well as concert tickets where you and I could discuss this in a more personal environment.

I knew you would understand.

Monstrous by Design,
Xmichra.

Whenever I dress cool,
My parents put up a fight
And if I’m a hotshot,
Mom will cut hair at night
In the morning I’m sure of my identity
I scream Mom and Dad
Why can't I be who I wanna be?

I just wanna be myself,
And I want you to love me for who I am
I just wanna be myself,
And I want you to know, I am my Hair

[Chorus]

I’ve had enough
This is my prayer
That I’ll die living just as free as my hair

I’ve had enough
This is my prayer
That I’ll die living just as free as my hair

I’ve had enough
I’m not a freak
I must keep fighting to stay cool on the streets

I’ve had enough, enough, enough
And this is my prayer, I swear
I’m as free as my hair

[Lady Gaga - Verse 2]

Sometimes I want to rock on some highlights
Just because
I want my friend to think that I am dynamite
And on party, roxy, high school dance
I got my bangs too hard
That I don't stand a chance
A chance

I just wanna be myself,
And I want you to love me for who I am
I just wanna be myself,
And I want you to know, I am my Hair

[Chorus]

I’ve had enough
This is my prayer
That I’ll die living just as free as my hair

I’ve had enough
This is my prayer
That I’ll die living just as free as my hair

I’ve had enough
I’m not a freak
I must keep fighting to stay cool on the streets

I’ve had enough, enough, enough
And this is my prayer, I swear
I’m as free as my hair

[Bridge]

I just want to be free, I just want to be me
And I want lots of friends that invite me to their parties

I don't wanna change,
And I don't wanna be ashamed
I'm the spirit of my Hair
It's all the glory that I bare
I am my Hair!

I'm my hair, I am my hair
It's all the glory that I bare
I'm my hair-am my hair
I'm my hair-am my hair yeah!

[Chorus]

I’ve had enough
This is my prayer
That I’ll die living just as free as my hair

I’ve had enough
This is my prayer
That I’ll die living just as free as my hair

I’ve had enough
I’m not a freak
I must keep fighting to stay cool on the streets

I’ve had enough, enough, enough
And this is my prayer, I swear
I’m as free as my hair

Awards are just cool!

2011-06-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve been nominated by the ever funny and sarcastic genius coops with the “Versatile Blogger Award” (pictured above)

From what I can tell, this award is a way to give some virtual “shout-outs” to other bloggers you follow and whom others might not yet have discovered. I’m flattered to be honoured & am happy to share.(coops had this on his blog, I feel the same, so pasty it is... well I changed the funny way you Americans spell Honour. But that's about it).

The rules:

1) publicly thank the award giver and link to them in your post.
2) Tell your readers 7 things about yourself that you might not have already.
3) present this award to other bloggers whose work you enjoy and
4) contact the honourees

On to the Nitty-Gritty:

1 - I do not like cauliflower, but even worse is people who say caw-lee-flower. We say caul-ih-flower in my house. And in many places around. But now I eat said cauliflower because It doesn't have the same external body effect as say.. chips.

2 - I bought a car for a dollar once. It was a piece of crap car that didn't run, and I didn't have my license.
I bought it so that my friends and I could take out our frustrations on it and beat it to death with baseball bats and golf clubs (procured by another friend at a yard sale)

3 - I have no idea what the heck tumblr, linkin, twitter or any of those sites are useful for. I am barely on board with facebook, and that is simply because it's easier to stay connected and I am that lazy. Actually, it pissed me off that I missed a function because I wasn't on facebook and didn't learn of it until it was done, and that pretty well fuelled me wanting to go back on it. Anyway. ya. Don't get any of the others.

4 - I hadn't seen a real farm animal (cow, chicken, sheep) until I was 19 years old. I did live in the north, so I had a clear disadvantage for that nature of opportunity, but still. I had seen horses (we had a ranch up north) but that was about it in the livestock category.

5 - When I first met my husband I *almost* refused to date him because he was younger than I was. I know, what a bitch huh? lol... good thing I caved ;)

6 - I am more judgemental now then when I was in my early twenties (no shocker there) but am more flexible and open minded now than I was then with people who are gay. I think when I was younger I did think that it was a choice rather than an innate thing. And I thought it was very much a phase when I was younger, because it seemed second nature to be with women myself even though I liked guys. Took a lot of learning to figure things out and be a lot more open with my own experiences (and non-experiences) as well as listen to others and what they *feel* more than what they *do*. If that makes sense.

7 - hrm. I am debating between a TMI moment and a safe zone moment. I've been called whimsical now, so I feel like I should totally delve into the whimsy! Perhaps that is my #7, when I hear that I am a certain way I digest that thought and see if I really am. Kinda flaky granted, but I do it.

And the Pay it Forward goes to:

Reluctant Paladin - Honest, funny, really innovative with restoration (seriously check out this lamp!) and has a really good Friday Pin up weekly.

Crystal - She inspired me to lose weight, and she is a constant inspiration with creativity!

Dr.Deb - she has been nothing short of brilliant to read, and I have kept her tabbed for a few years. She also has a new book out, that I think promises to help thousands :)

Deb (no ellipse here!) - Thought provoking, outspoken, and has her own spin on life in general. Perhaps controversy is too scary for some, but this girl blogs about it ALL.THE.TIME yo! lol.. I love her, she is one of my favs :)

And.. Leesa! - She had a rough go, but is slowly returning to the blogosphere :) Funny, poignant, intelligent. You never know what you will get when she writes, you just hope she does!

Musical Revolution

2011-06-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

Want to play along? press on this here badge!

Before I hear Clarence Clemons on the new gaga hit (which I also love), I remember his style with an older, awesome band. Pretty sure you know of them ;)

Bruce Sprinsteen and the E street band (live in New Jersy) playing Jungleland...

R.I.P. Clarence. You F*ing rock.

The Queens Meme

2011-06-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

**ATTENTION!!** The queen has been in an accident and could sure use a word of kindness!!

From coops who is a temp for the Queen (you should really look at the agencies these days, they’ll sublet to anyone!)

As her royalness is recuperating from her unsuccessful impersonation of Mario Andretti, let me offer the following as an alternate (and certainly by no means equal) meme of substitution while we all light prayer candles. I don’t have a fancy mr. linky thing. improvise.
The Summer Meme
It’s the first day of summer…break out the swim fins, bar-b-ques and solarcaine as thoughts turn to vacations, pool parties, summer fun and lightning bugs. So kick back in your chaise lounge chair floating in the pool, refreshing beverage at your side and have at this collection of summer brain scratchers…

1) What was your most memorable Christmas present (giving or receiving)?
~ I received a pink dual cassette ghetto blaster one year that made me absolutely thrilled (I think I was 12). Yes it was hot pink, yes it was real ghetto. But I loved it, and it produced MY music when I wanted it! LOVED that ghetto blaster. I was really upset when it broke. I was 23.. but I was still upset!
2) What terrifies you more than anything else?
~ Losing one of my kids in any way shape or form. And Birds. It may be 50-50. (I’m kidding, that was sarcasm).
3) The zombies are on the march. You hunker down in your panic room, possibly for the duration. You are allowed one book. What is it and why?
~ The Bible. I know, you are all shocked. But I am thinking that I would want something to challenge me If I was all by myself and had no one to argue with. So it would have to be something that I could internally argue both sides with heart.
4) Who would win in a caged boxing match between Santa and The Easter Bunny?
~ The Easter Bunny hands down. Bunnies are EVIL with their twitchy noses and beady eyes...
5) The clock strikes midnight. The confetti is falling and guy lombardo (or possibly lady gaga) is playing auld lang syne. You have 30 seconds to kiss anybody, past or present, fact or fiction. Who is it? (For those of you with significant others, the assumption is that the clock begins after a torrid lip lock with your partner)
~ hrmm. Kevin Sorbo... Tori Amos... or plausibly Erik from trueblood (not the actor, because he is not the same person. Lol). I don’t kiss dead people. Unless they are undead that is. ;)
6) You either have to wash the outside windows of the 86th floor of the empire state building or give a speech in the nude to hundreds of people representing a cross-section of US motorcycle clubs. Which do you choose and why?
~speech in the nude. I couldn’t physically bring myself to the outside of that height. I could totally give a speech in front of a podium naked. No podium? Then I’d have to sit (cross legged of course, I am a lady!).
7) Batman or Superman. Choose one to clean your oven and explain your choice.
~ Superman, with those lasers and speed I wouldn’t have to wait around all day for the oven to do something wrong so that batman could be all vigilante then clean the darn thing.

Today.

2011-06-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today always gets to me because it would have been Kens birthday. I try to not think of it, but really it’s the first day of summer and everyone and their dog likes to bring up that little factoid today as conversation starter. So it’s hard not to think about it, and the memories I have of celebrating his birthdays. More specific come to mind the times in my home town, because this day was also celebrated in the downtown area and it was always a blast. Nothing but good memories there… and it makes today a little hard to deal with. I thought it would get easier, and it has… but it’s not without mention in my life still. So. That’s all I have about that.

I’d recommend going to this site and reading something far more uplifting (seriously, it is super funny).

Musical Revolution

2011-06-17T03:21:00.000-07:00

Click on the banner for linky-do!

This week’s Friday tune did not appear in the Truck o’ Tunes, but rather from a youtube stream. I’m going to buy it though whenever it is available.

You all know I like my techno trance-dance. I have recently started to like dubstep thanks to a few friends who have found things dubstep for me to like (trust me, there is a lot of NOISE lol)... but this one is my FAVORITE and anything else will have a real tough time edging it out.

First of all, I really like Nero. He is just sublime. Add him and his art to the BBC Philharmonic and you have a really interesting, new, amazing, just fucking awesome sound! I can’t believe this was done with orchestra music!! Simply amazing! I hope you enjoy!

Over Joe (Not so Random – Random thoughts.)

2011-06-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

I had a thought yesterday that actually had me thinking there just *might* be a god. I came to this conclusion because clearly Ice Cream is the work of the devil (and you can’t really have one without the other, right?). I can do just fine restricting, limiting, restraining myself from all other foods – but ice Cream. It is especially bad right now (that we are getting nice weather), and I don’t see this getting any better. I really need to not like ice cream. Like right now.

***

I made a joke on facebook the other day that I thought was hilarious. I have seven e-mails from people who felt differently. Honestly, people need to take a pill. A friend of mine was expressing their distaste for a rally that was being held where she lived, and I didn’t get involved with that portion 9expressing my own beliefs etc) instead I poked fun and told her to watch out or she would be tried for witchcraft (it is funny if you know the location). Not a word was said (other than by my friend who thought that was funny) Yesterday the fire ban in the province was lifted, and I jokingly commented that she should watch out or the villagers might put fire to the stake (she as well as others ‘liked’ that) and now I have hate mail for perpetuating the stereotype of witches, Catholics and for the general uncouthness of my joke. Seriously. Good think I am not opposed to the delete button, or I’d likely be regretting various reply letters.

***

In our local news, it was reported that someone stole a lady’s lawn. SERIOUSLY. They took the sod right off her lawn in the middle of the night. This got me thinking a few things (WTH? What is the matter with people? How much is sod really that you would need to steal it?). But the one that stuck out was: if you were a serial sod-knapper what would the newspaper label you? The lawn ripper? Grass-knapper? SOD SOB? I would be curious to see what came of that.

***

Never before in my small city did I see graffiti (with the exception of the rail cars that pass through, and some of those are so pretty!). Now, I keep seeing L0P (like L, zero with a strike mark through it and P). I would really like to know what the heck that stands for, and what kind of gang that is (if it is). Having a ‘gang’ in this place… well the thought of that makes me laugh something fierce. Perhaps that is because we are in the middle of cow-tipping, belt-buckle wearing, line-dancing, Bud-drinking country and I can’t imagine Cowboy gangsta’s. I am pretty sure that is the reason exactly come to think about it (giggles to self).

***

And as an ending to the not-so-random-random-thoughts, the post office is on strike and I want my stuff. That is all.

And today, on the day of your commencement...

2011-06-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite bloggers has returned! And with Leesa’s return has come a new writing challenge. The challenge (should you choose to accept it) is to write some nature of commencement speech for an audience. The point was twofold:
1 – It was an exercise in writing (practice makes perfect!)
2- This is your shot to say what you’ve learned and pass it along (without the drudgery of mid terms and all-night study fests).

In the words of Leesa:

Write a commencement speech, and publish it on your blog. You can think about your audience (recommended) or not. But what would you say? What have you learned over your lifetime that you would want to tell a bunch of college graduates making their way into the world? And after you have read your words, are you still following them?

I have thought about this pretty well off and on for a day, and figured out what I would want to say, If I was to return to my college class and speak to them. Here we go...

Today you all stand at a point of completion, excited and fearful of what you will embark on next. I thought for a change of pace regarding the structure of commencement, I would instead talk to you a little about conclusions.

Starting from now and never ending until the moment your soul leaves this earth, you will witness many conclusions in your life. You have concluded your education and now enter the working world. Finished are the days of student living, spring breaks, summers off and hopefully multiple days of eating Kraft diner. Over and done with are mid-terms, exams, papers and classrooms. Your days studying may very well conclude, and perhaps the preparing of projects and speeches will also disappear.

These things and more you can wave your hand to – a fond farewell for your scholar life.

But does it ever really end? And do you ever stop being a student? I’m fairly sure many a philosopher has pondered this thought and come out the other side of the rabbit hole thinking with certainly that we never stop being a student, because we never stop learning. And with some luck, we have some very good guidance from others who have been there, others who have lived that piece of life already, and others whom without their support we wouldn’t take the leaps and chances that come into our life and claim our own stories.

And now for the very serious tone and speech. I was not an honour student. I didn’t do well in my first job, and my first long term relationship was an utter disaster. I have lost some great friends over the years, and watched loved ones die in the night. I have had a wedding, a child, a life. And with all that I still have to learn, I wanted to take a moment to tell you what I know.

Find your passion and do it. Maybe you can’t make a full time job out of it, but don’t write it off completely. The minute you dismiss your passions in life will be the exact time the passion in life will elude you.

Trust your gut. There is no science (science majors may feel free to correct me) in that gut feeling you get when you don’t trust someone, or feel that you have said something you shouldn’t have. But it’s almost never wrong, and hindsight is both a blessing and a curse.

Don’t have an idea about what you have to have to be happy. Marriages, kids, friends, money, valuables, real estate... they are all things that will come to you when you are more in tune with who you are and keep to the happiness that is your truth.

Have an open mind about people. Sure, there are a lot of assholes out there waiting to prey on others, but don’t dismiss people out of fear. Use your gut feeling, trust yourself, and have faith that there are really great people in this world who are genuine and will impress you.

And lastly, be yourself. I know that this concept gets thrown around a lot from the time that you were first talking about sharing in sandbox right up until this very moment. But this really is the single most important thing that you will need to learn, that you will need to survive, and that you will need to keep growing. You don’t need to know who you are every second of the day, but it certainly helps to act and behave, react and conduct yourself in a manner that will have you not shy away from your own reflection.

Be yourself, have fun, and remember that whatever you have chosen to “do”, that this isn’t who you *are*. That lesson alone will be a hard one to learn, but has been worth everything to me and my happiness.

Musical Revolution

2011-06-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

Want to play along?? Click on this here link to participate!

I have posted this song I think at least twenty times. And there is a damn good reason - It's one of my most favored. I love the feeling, the heart ache, the stroke of each key... It is with songs like this that I do not undersand how a person can not be connected to the melodic shiver, the soul of the piece, the absolute core of the sound. It baffles me that people can listen to this song, and stand unmoved. I'm fairly sure those are the zombies we keep hearing about, because this song makes me feel joy and sadness like no other.

Ouch F@c# whatever.

2011-06-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

Honestly. I just don't know how many posts I have made dedicated to the bitching ans general discontent about my lady parts. And I'm starting to think that I have crossed this line, where normal crabbiness and melodrama have totally left the building and all that is left is my attitude vs mother nature. The shitty part? SHE.WINS.EVERY.TIME.

On the plus side, I had a pain in my leg that out weighed that other pain for a few hours this morning. YA. That is my silver lining today.

I'm thinking I should have spared you all this post. But if must suffer, then I will share damn it!

Here, have a picture of what I am looking forward to, maybe that will make up for it.

Musical Revolution

2011-06-03T05:31:00.000-07:00

Click here to join the revolution!

I love Fridays :) I'd like to say it's not because of the music post, but I get pretty excited to share. I have posted a fair amount of music in my blog-time, but with the schedule of Friday sharing I just feel complete. lol...

This week in the Truck o' Tunes I have been rockin' this song pretty well as often as I can (in this mix)...(sorry for the commercial, not my fault!)...

I have posted before about Shiny Toy Guns, and if you haven't heard of them OMGosh what rock do you live under??!! lol... I kidd ;) But seriously, they are really good. I love the remixes (naturally) but on their own they are pretty awesome as well. Check out a few of their other tunes :)

The one I blogged about previously:

Figure it out.

2011-05-31T12:05:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why I was upset, but I was. I sat at my kitchen table wondering if there was a way out of the anger, staring out my window watching the evil birds frolic along my fence and stealing the berries off my trees.

The phone rang, and as I went to answer the caller ID showed her number. I couldn’t believe that she was calling my home in the middle of the day! Furious I picked up the phone and started yelling into the receiver – if another person was there I wouldn’t have known from the silence on the other side. As I slammed the phone down on the kitchen Island I notice my youngest daughter staring up at me with tear stained cheeks.

The moments melt together, and it seems only seconds have gone by, but it is night time and my husband has just put the children to bed. He walks towards me, apologetic look to his eyes combined with shame and embarrassment. He reaches his hand out to me, asking me to talk, pleading with me to work things out. I can’t hide the repulsion, as I turn away and walk out the door.

*****

This was my dream last night. I have no idea where it came from. I do know that my husband wasn't my Mark, it was mark Ruffalo, and that the woman's name was Merideth Striker. Who ever that is. So strange huh? All I can think is damn you Mark Ruffalo! *shakes fist in the air*... lol.... (hope this note was big enough to relieve worry!)

The Queen's Meme ~ The memory Meme

2011-05-31T10:37:00.003-07:00

From the Queen:

Welcome to The Queen's Meme
7 Royal Questions on Tuesday (AHEM Queen, did you perhaps forget to erase something here??!!)

Since it's Memorial Day in the states, I thought we'd talk about memories today. It is fitting. We all have them. Sometimes they disturb us, oftentimes they make us smile. What kind of memories do you have? And will you share them with us?

The Queen's Meme #85
The Memory Meme

1. Are you someone who keeps memory boxes and makes scrapbooks?
~ yes and no. I used to keep a lot more than I do now. This needs to change though, poor Bella is going to have a complex with the lack of scrapbooks made in her honor. I also have a lot of other things that need proper memory saving (like ticket stubs and the like). I guess I am a messy memory hoarder more than a scrapbook maker ;)

2. What is your most disturbing memory?
~ I don’t know for sure if it is my most disturbing (because I have blocked memories), and I can’t share it on here just because of the content (people and actions not being what they should). But it was disturbing in that the two people involved were having sex, and those two people should NOT have been. Let’s just leave it at that.

3. What is the one thing you will always remember about your childhood?
~ I will always remember camping at our families site, French toast over the fire grill, singing with my cousins and auntie, and the lego that was stuck in my cousins leg from us shoving stuff in his cast (we were horrible to one another!).

4. When you drive down memory lane for the last five years of your life, is it a happy journey or a bumpy ride?
~ It’s both. The last five years has been one of growth and understanding for me. I have gone through a lot of different things in the last five years, and I have come out a happier person with a little more knowledge. But knowledge usually gets granted on a rough road!

5. What is the last thing you memorized?
~ I can’t tell you. It’s work related. :D

6. Tell us about a dream you remember.
~ This is funny, because I have a whole post about this!! You will have to come back.

7. On this Memorial Day is there someone you'd like to honor and remember?
~ Not any more than I would in any other regular day. For us, yesterday was a working Monday so there wasn’t much time for remembrance.

Music Revolution

2011-05-27T05:45:00.000-07:00

Three tunes were turned up on high in the truck o tunes this week. One was a shocker, one a no brainer (for me) and one was a surprise! I'll let you guys judge for yourselves which was what, but in any case, TURN IT UP!

The Queen's Meme ~ 7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

2011-05-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

From the Queen:

Welcome to The Queen's Meme
7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

Let's talk that 4-letter work today: W.O.R.K.
We all have to make a living one way or another. It's a necessary part of life. Sometimes it's good to evaluate where we are and what we want. We spend too much time each day "on the job" to be unhappy. I did a little soul searching today. Join me.

1. Are you in a job/career you always wanted?
~ no and yes. I didn’t think of this when I was little, but since joining the real world this is where I wanted to be.

2. Do you find you workaday world fulfilling and rewarding?
~ no and yes. I’m not curing Cancer, but as far as I am aware I ain’t causing it either.

3. If you could change jobs, what would you do?
~ I don’t know. I like my job. I’m fairly sure I’m good unless I win millions.

4. What about your job irritates you the most?
~ Other people not doing their part or whining about the company. I have worked for horrid companies, so your complaints are filed in “g” (garbage) before you even start.

5. Would you rather have a high pressure meaningful career or a mindless clock-punching job?
~ I would rather have the job I have now as opposed to both of those situations!

6. I believe in the concept of "paying myself first" as in tucking away dollars for emergencies and vacations. If you started a special savings plan and could save a certain amount each week to do something only for yourself, what would that be?
~ I do this already, I call it my mortgage (really people, I think of that as my own nest egg).

7. What do you think is the hardest paying job on earth?
~ I don’t know. Maybe a teacher? Doctor? Politician? Mother? Father? I don’t know. I think every job has it’s hard parts, and some people were just not meant to do some jobs which make them seem harder than they are.

About the weekend

2011-05-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

~Adult Time
This past weekend Mark and I were afforded four days and four nights of pure adult time. The grandparents had the kiddo’s for the weekend, so that was nice little break. There are many parents who don’t get this opportunity, or don’t feel that the breaks are “good parenting”, and I feel sorry for all of those people. Why? Because I know it does a lot for my relationship with my husband, just to be able to breathe a little and have some fun. I really look forward to that time together, to be friends and re-connect. We do a lot for one another regularly, and keep the lines of communication open, but this type of real down time is, I find, really helpful for us to keep our relationship up and going. We don’t have the weekly date night thing, or what have you, so this I think is good time for one another. Plus it always helps to sleep in ;)

~Wine
My brother and his wife were also in for the weekend, and with them they brought a few bottles of homemade wine. I don’t know what magical properties there are in that stuff, but I don’t get hung over from it at all. Very odd since wine usually will give me a bad headache. They must have some kind of anti-hang over gnomes that bless the wine or something. Whatever it is, It’s a damn good thing since we drank more than we should.

~Sunburns
I get sunburns all the time in the summer, but last year managed to stave it off pretty well. This year I think I am in trouble since I have burnt twice already in one week. I don’t quite know what to do about it, other than suck it up. It’s not like I don’t protect my skin, or seek shade in high sun times. But realistically, I have become more active, and what that also entails is walks in the park, jogging, etc. And i don’t want to stop any of those things. So my vampiric skin had better get with the program!

~Fire Ban
This has been a bad year already for fires in our area (it ravished a small town and there are hundreds of people out of homes), so there is a fire ban in effect for the entire Provence. We will be going on our first camping trip of the year next weekend, and I hope that enough rain comes down, and that the number of wildfires comes down, so that the ban will be lifted. It would be nice to have a camp fire, and I think camping moderately sucks without one. I couldn’t imagine trying to go camping without the modern equipment when there is a fire ban. I tell ya, propane heat and stoves are pretty well essential. Which makes camping too close to reality, hence the suckage. It’s all about the fire really.

Musical Revolution

2011-05-20T05:33:00.000-07:00

Join the revolution :D

There are plenty of Stevie Nicks songs that I love, but this one I have heard a lot recently and it brings me to a place that I remember, and love.

I can tell you the first time I heard this song and it meant something to me, even if I can’t tell you the first time I heard the song… though I know I did several times before.

I was seventeen, and I found out that the person I had been dating for the past three years had cheated on me several times through our relationship. How I found out was insignificant, and it was very hard emotionally to be betrayed. He was my best friend, and more than any other person before him, I trusted the idea of my future because of speaking with him. Not a future with him, but things that I wanted to do, and things that I thought that I could do, because I was allowed to voice that thought out loud and not be afraid of judgment or laughter.

I remember this song came on the radio, and I was out at the rapids laying on a rock staring up at the sun. It had been a few weeks since the break up, and I was doing stupid irrational things and chalking it up to strength and what I didn’t need in my life. It seemed I stared at the sun so long I would go blind… and the heat washed away all the lives I was living and just left me raw and burned.

It seemed odd to me, at that point, to be more in tune with the snow covered hills than the body sitting under the sun. But there I was, being a person I didn’t know, and wondering what I should do. Living in the north, you don’t get a lot of landslides (actual, not metaphoric) but you certainly know what it’s like to have snow up above you and afraid to speak too loudly or the snow will come crashing down. And that is where I was.

It took me many years to forgive all the things that happened there and then. But that day it was something of a miracle that I picked my body off the ground, left my spot in the present, and decided to walk into my future.

I still cry a little when I hear this song. I imagine many people do. Thank you Stevie.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till Landslide brought me down

Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm mmm I don’t know
Mmm mmm
Mmm mmm

Well I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older, I’m getting older too

I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I
I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, children get older
I’m getting older too
I’m getting older too

Soo take this love, take it down
Ohh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down, down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,
Well maybe, the landslide will bring it down
Well well the landslide will bring it down

Learning the hard way

2011-05-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

Last night while the girls were in the bath, Isabella decided that she should stand up suddenly which made her slip and bang her head on the side of the bathtub. She hit the tub so hard that she immediately had a goose egg on the side of her head behind her ear, and her ear itself looked as though it was forming a rather large blood blister. I hadn’t seen anything like that before, and it was a blow to the head, so after I spoke with a nurse on the phone (thanks to Alberta Health Link) I brought her into the ER. Thankfully she is okay (her skull is intact) and we had to watch her for a concussion, but she showed no further signs of any trauma.

We were lucky. Plain and simple. An accident like that can happen to anyone, anytime and can be much worse that what this was. Yes, Bella was hurt, and yes she will have tenderness for a few days, but there is nothing else wrong and she will continue with this being a simple bump in the road. But I know in my mind, that we were lucky last night, and maybe we should take a few extra precautions (especially since there are some!).

Found on the ehow site:

• 1
Collect all bathing supplies, including towels, soap, shampoo, and bath toys ahead of time so you have everything you need with you in the bathroom.
• 2
Place a rubber mat in the bottom of your bathtub to make the surface safer and less slippery. Outfit the water spout with a cushioned cover to protect your toddler's head from bumping it.
• 3
Adjust your water heater to 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Your toddler can receive third-degree burns from 150-degree water with only two seconds of exposure.
• 4
Move all electric appliances, such as radios, curling irons and hair dryers away from the bathtub to prevent your toddler from grabbing at them.
• 5
Run bath water that is warm but not hot. It's safer to bathe a toddler in water that's cooler than the water temperature an adult would prefer.
• 6
Fill the tub with water that reaches your toddler's waist while he's seated to reduce a drowning hazard.
• 7
Watch your toddler at all times while he is in the tub. Toddlers can drown in less than an inch of water.
• 8
Take your toddler out of the tub, wrap him in a towel and take him with you if you need to answer the door or tend to another child's needs.

Eight simple rules to keep your child safe in the bath. I ignored ONE and found myself in a cloud of regret in the ER room last night, and then thankful that nothing else happened.Sometimes we do joke about how over-safety oriented we are with our kids these days, but there are reasons for a lot of what we hear and read - To keep them safe and with us! This is a far cry from bolting everything down in your house (I always find those stories funny), it is common sense things that sometimes get overlooked until it's too late. Today I got Mark to buy a bath mat for in the tub, having learned my lesson the hard way.

Blog issues and other events

2011-05-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else had issues with blogger yesterday? I couldn’t comment or post, it was so odd. To all of you with WordPress blogs (and others) never-you-mind. Lol...

So, first off I want to share something that I am not allowed to share!! Lol... If you read this blog I hope you’ll catch the reference, if you don’t well I’m afraid this little piece won’t make much sense yet. Do you all remember that competition that I was thinking of entering? Well I did do just that, and I may have received a note from someone about it telling me that the thing I gave them was really good and processed for the next phase! Which is super cool, because of the limited amount of processed pieces, and the sheer awesomeness that I was chosen :) This girl will likely not be bashing her rhyming prowess any time soon!

Second, I missed my Friday Revolution post due to hiccup. I had a song picked out and everything!! Lol... Actually I had three.

The first is from Tiesto, and It is here because I hadn’t heard this mix until I went to his show, and I just loved it when it played!! I was a pretty giddy girl that night, but I remember the instant the beat of this song ran through my body, it was simply breathtaking and goosebumps and energy! I was already dancing, but this song made the music flow through my limbs like I was meant to be played... just a really great memory and now I love the feeling of happiness that envelopes me while listening to this song.

The second isn’t new, but this is what was on my Sirius radio BPM station the first day that it was nice enough outside this year to roll my window down and enjoy the onset of summer :) That moment is particularly important to us Canadians lol...

And the third requires a little more said about it (in far less words). This is a song that generally makes people feel sad and nostalgic, but makes me angry. One day maybe I will get closure on my issues, but I don’t’ see it happening soon. All I know is that this song makes me angry, resentful, and always mindful to not be like you.

That last one likely ended on a downer, so I thought I would end this post this way instead:

Third but not least: Officially lost 60 pounds, and actually feel like I am getting into shape!! Like I can jump and jog and work out! I still can’t run far or long, but every step brings me closer to agility. It’s been a great journey, and I fully intend to keep it strong!

I have my diplomna in g00gle-related illnesses.

2011-05-09T14:17:00.001-07:00

I should start a list at the beginning of the week and title it: Things I should ask my doctor about Then I should take said list to my doctor and actually talk about them!!

Do you notice that you may be living with something that isn’t critical (to you) and often forget about it, only to find out that maybe you should have said something oh – like when it started?

I have been doing that for years. And I can think of three things right off the top of my head that have been bothersome for AGES and I have never went and got checked out.

My Neck/base of my head – this one is strange all on it’s own, but sometimes it swells back there and give me a headache. As far as I can tell from my google degree of medicine, this is because of my ears and fluid being trapped/backed up in there. But I should likely have someone look at that.

My Knee (right) – long long ago, I was a thin athletic girl who played sports. I was also really clumsy and rough. So I dislocated my knee a few dozen times in my short lived athletic career. Fast forward two full term pregnancies and about 100 extra pounds , and my knee started to really give way to gravity. Since my weight loss (and on-going loss) I have managed to alleviate the throbbing pain that I used to get nightly, and now the pain only occurs when I am exercising. Not so bad. But I can tell you from the look on my husband’s face when I bend my knee (exercise or not), that the grind noise coming from my leg is cause for worry. I haven’t fallen over yet, but I should likely have someone look at that.

My Right leg Vein issue – Starting from my very first menstrual cycle and getting worse with weight gain and pregnancy, the main vein on my right leg has risen a good ¼ inch off my leg, and is somewhat unnoticeable by me unless it is that time of the month. I don’t know what that has to do with anything (other than my google medical degree saying that this vein is the femoral vein and goes to your groin area), I just know that it is causing me to have pain sometimes, and now spider veins off of it. Really ugly, nasty things, and I should likely have someone look at that.

See what I mean? I am falling apart. But when you go to get yourself checked out it’s usually because of some other kind of emergency, and you forget the things that aren’t bothering you right that second.

I think I may start that list here soon though; age is definitely a scare tactic into better health. Damn wisdom, always comes a little too late.

Are you useful as a human being? take the test!

2011-05-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

When one is bored, one looks for odd things to do to pass the time. For me, I “googled “ ten things any human should be able to do” in the hopes to feel good about myself, and I found this site right here that gave me not ten, but fifty things to test how productive I’ve been thus far. Did you catch that sentence? It was running like mad! I digress, TO THE TEST!

1. Build a Fire – CAN – I can build a fire quite well actually! I think I might be a little rusty building one without flame or flint (haven’t done that since I was 13!) but am fairly sure I could if I had to. Building a fire I something I do every year while camping, so I’m fairly good with that.
2. Operate a Computer –CAN – I can operate a computer that is useful. Macs do not count.
3. Use Google Effectively – CAN – I mean really, I found this now didn’t I?
4. Perform CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver – CAN – I have my First Aid/CPR AED, just refreshed this year as a matter of fact. So no worries on choking on my watch!
5. Drive a Manual Transmission Vehicle – CAN’T- in Canada we call this a Standard Drive vehicle, but no matter what country you are in, I haven’t the slightest of how they work. I’d like to say that I would learn one day, but I really don’t see a reason for it.
6. Do Basic Cooking – CAN – and there are a *few* things that I make at a more expert level as well.
7. Tell a Story that Captivates People’s Attention – CAN – My go to story is about busting open my c-section when Kira was 9 days old, and having the cops chase me through town as I sped to the hospital, Kira in a baby-sling across my chest, clamping down on the spillage which would ensue had she not been there to weight it down. Usually gets people staring at you in shock and horror. It’s a pretty good story.
8. Win or Avoid a Fistfight – CAN – avoid that is. I have not been in any fist fights really. There was this one time that I was punched and ran, and another time where I punched someone and they ran. Either way, can’t really call that a fight.
9. Deliver Bad News – CAN – and with some things like to be that person. I know that sounds odd, but when I was an assistant manager I preferred to do the firing because I was more tactful with it, and people would even sometimes thank me and give me a hug. Honest.
10. Change a Tire – CAN’T – I don’t think. Lol.. I am sure I could figure it out, but I’ve never had to do this. I have taken off a muffler before though, without TOOLS. That’s right. No tools, just a comb, a nail file and sheer grit.
11. Handle a Job Interview – CAN – I have been told by both interviewee’s and interviewers that I handle myself quite well.
12. Manage Time – CAN – I mean really, I managed my time too well today where I was left wanting for things to do, and so found this to occupy my time.
13. Speed Read – CAN – When I first met Mark, he had this speed reading learners program on cassette ( I know, cassette!) and I thought: how dumb! But then the years went on and I thought it would be really beneficial to be able to read things quickly and get the point, especially when looking at instructions for taxes and mortgages. So I did the program and VOILA! I could speed read. Most of the time very effectively too!
14. Remember Names – CAN… N’T… - Okay, I’ve gotten really bad with this one. I used to be 100% with my name remembering, but my mind isn’t as sharp or something as it once was, and I have noticed that I am at a loss for names now and again.
15. Relocate Living Spaces – CAN – but hope not to in the immediate future. I have moved so much, and in different rooms, cities, provinces etc. I love my house right now and hope to be there for a bit.
16. Travel Light – CAN – you realize then when you have a baby and they come with bags, food, furniture (I’m not kidding here) and you’ve filled a mini van to the brim with crap for an afternoon excursion, that packing a small bag with a brush and a change of clothes is NICE. Plus it helps if you aren’t dependant on hair and make-up do-hickies… au natural and a pony tail suits me just fine.
17. Handle the Police – CAN – well, I don’t think I’d use the word handle, but I can talk my way through an encounter… or so I’d think (because I am not talking about ACTUAL occurrence of course) .
18. Give Driving Directions – CAN’T – and don’t wanna. Just when you think you know where you are going, you don’t, and people get miff’d.
19. Perform Basic First Aid – CAN – certified and everything.
20. Swim – CAN – and pretty well! I love water, and am passing that on to my girls. Kira knew how to swim by the age of four, and Bella is just about there at two.
21. Parallel Park – CAN – But avoid it. I mean really, who wants to do that all the time?
22. Recognize Personal Alcohol Limits – CAN…N’T – I can recognize, but usually disregard when in that moment.
23. Select Good Produce – CAN – living up north where fresh is unheard of, you learned to pick the best for your money.
24. Handle a Hammer, Axe or Handsaw – CAN, CAN’T and CAN’T – me+sharp objects = injury.
25. Make a Simple Budget – CAN – but Mark is better at it.
26. Speak at Least Two Common Languages – CAN’T – I have passable French when I brush up on it or have been in Quebec longer than a week. But realistically I can’t talk the talk.
27. Do Push-Ups and Sit-Ups Properly – CAN!!! – But this is new, like as of this week!! Sit ups are easier I think. But this week I was able to do three forms of push-ups properly! That is the magic of P90X right there!
28. Give a Compliment – CAN – and do regularly. I love my friends and think people are asshats more often than not, so like to compliment people when they are so deserving.
29. Negotiate – CAN – but sometimes I get carried away and it turns into a hostile take over :/
30. Listen Carefully to Others – CAN – but should do so more.
31. Recite Basic Geography – CAN… N‘T – See, I thought that by getting myself a world map that I could cure this, but apparently I am still pretty bad at geography. I do know the general area of where places are though.
32. Paint a Room – CAN – but hate it..
33. Make a Short, Informative Public Speech – CAN – I’m actually not too shabby with public speaking.
34. Smile for the Camera – CAN – but often do not.
35. Flirt Without Looking Ridiculous – CAN – but sometimes it is ridiculous. Mark likes to laugh at me pretty hard when I have flirted with him and it has FAIL written all over it.
36. Take Useful Notes –CAN – and usually end up making How To manuals for my workplace because of that..
37. Be a Respectful House Guest – CAN – but I’ve had some house guests that were epic-ly awesome to which I am nowhere near par.
38. Make a Good First Impression – CAN – hence the job interview thing. But If I am in a mood and want to be “real”… well. Not so much.
39. Navigate with a Map and Compass – CAN’T – dude, my geography is iffy, I can’t give directions, and I don’t think I have ever seen a compass in real life. I’m going to call this one a loss.
40. Sew a Button onto Clothing – CAN – but no zippers.
41. Hook Up a Basic Home Theater System – CAN’T – that’s why I got married ;) .
42. Type – CAN – and type often.
43. Protect Personal Identity Information –CAN – now… since I have had my wallet stolen and credit card used before, I have cracked down on that.
44. Implement Basic Computer Security Best Practices – CAN- and it starts with AVAST!
45. Detect a Lie – CAN… N’T – usually really good at this, but can’t detect from those I love. It’s a curse.
46. End a Date Politely Without Making Promises – CAN – Just ask my husband.. lol… though we are married, so there isn’t much left to promise.
47. Remove a Stain – CAN’T – I suck at that. I have made some really epic messes attempting to remove stains.
48. Keep a Clean House – CAN – but seldom do. I don’t have the time to be that ridged.
49. Hold a Baby – CAN – though it is scary when you haven’t done it in awhile!
50. Jump Start a Car – CAN’T – and I really should learn that.

SO, at the end my basic usefulness as a human being score is 41.5/50 (scoring .5 for mixed can/can’t answers) which is this final percent:

I am 83% useful as a human

I don’ think that made me feel better… lol…

Musical Revolution (on mute)

2011-05-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

So here's the problem. My internet crashed so I am using my computer at work, but youtube is like against the freaking law here so you have no actual music per say. BUT, you will have a story, lyrics, and a picture so you can at least have a really good representation of music since I am sure this will be stuck in your heads, capish?

This past week has been a buzz with canucks voting for their new leader and all the thrills spills and chills of results. This normally doesn't inspire music for me, but I was talking to an American friend about the parties in Canada and pretty well what they were. In that talk I was trying to explain that the Conservative party had been through a change from what he knew them as (they used to be the PC party, or progressive conservative) and WAY back when, there was a political party in Canada called the Reform Party, and those two parties smashed up into the Conservative party we know today.

*whew, breather*

anyway, in this explanation, as soon as I said the word REFORM, I had a shooting image in my brain from a spoof made when Ross Perot was running for office. Basically they did a mashup of the wolfman dance (from Frankenstein’s castle, you know with the hippy swirly colors spinning in the background and wackado dancing) and the song If You Think I'm Sexy... and so here was this guy:

Singing: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on honey VOTE REFORM!

THAT ISN'T EVEN THE BEST PART! So, this is a spoof and is running on TV and such, but my cousin Tony (who I have pictures of at home, and I will have to grab one later) decided that this was the most awesome tune ever, and he liked the Reform party back then, and decided to do this dance like in the middle of a VERY busy well known Mall in Edmonton... it drew alot of on-lookers and was freaking hilarious! I seriously wish cell phones were around like they are today, because I am sure I could find a copy of that dance somewhere today... but alas, all you get is my memory and this post. I feel sad for you. BUT, I assure you, had you seen that and understood canuck politics, it would have been totally awesome.

(here's the real lyrics to the song, as promised).

She sits alone waiting for suggestions
he's so nervous avoiding all the questions.
His lips are dry her heart is gently pounding
don't you just know exactly what they're thinking

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
come on sugar let me know.
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on honey tell me so.
Tell me so, baby.

He's acting shy looking for an answer,
Come on honey, let's spend the night together,
Now hold on a minute before we go much further,
Give me a dime so I can 'phone my mother,
They catch a cab to his high rise apartment,
At last he can tell her exactly what his heart meant.

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
come on honey tell me so.
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on sugar let me know.

His heart's beating like a drum
'cos at last he's got his girl home
relax baby now we are alone
Oh

They wake at dawn 'cos all the birds are singing,
Two total strangers but that ain't what they're thinking.
Outside it's cold misty and it's raining,
They got each other neither one's complaining,
He say's I sorry but I'm out of milk and coffee,
Never mind sugar we can watch the early movie.

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
come on sugar let me know.
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on honey tell me so.
Oh... Sugar

If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on sugar let me know.
If you really, really, really, really need me
just let me know
just reach out and touch me, mmm
If you really want me
just reach out and touch me
come on sugar let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on sugar let me know
if you, if you, if you really need me
just come on and tell me so

Pythagoras was likely on to something... Silence.

2011-05-04T12:24:00.000-07:00

At thirty-five, you would think that I would know better than to talk about religion in the workplace. I even started out the day today with my intent not to talk about religion, politics or royalty because people all have different opinions and lately it’s like a big convergence of thoughts and objections are flooding in, and I love my friends and family and want to stay in the grey for a little while… I know how sometimes the timing and the actions combined with words you mean no offence by, can ruin relationships. So I wanted to be cautious today, knowing that there are a lot of hurting and emotionally invested people around right now.

But this morning, a coworker said “God Bless you” after I sneezed. A different coworker exclaimed “Don’t say that to her, she is against god and its offensive!” I was shocked at first (because that person doesn’t know much about me period) and then calmly specified that I didn’t find it offensive at all, and that I wasn’t “Against god”, I just didn’t believe in the theory of him.

After this I was asked multiple questions by the two, and another coworker. Why aren’t you offended? Why do you say its theory? What are you then if you aren’t an Atheist? Aren’t Agnostics and Atheists the same thing?

Even though there were a lot of questions thrown all at once, I was still clam and tried the best to explain things without actually pin pointing my personal beliefs as such. I explained that saying bless you (or god bless you) when someone sneezes is at worst a knee-jerk reaction of manners, at best a well wish from someone. Either way, I don’t find it offensive. I explained that the use the word theory to articulate premise of god, no god, and many gods because I find it easier than projecting my own beliefs. And I explain that an Atheist believes that there are no deities at all, as well as the supernatural and spiritual where as agnostics believe that there may well be a god or gods, but faith and belief is not totally dependent on knowing that. Faith and belief is more towards the general aspect of spirituality and from what is within, than what is in a book or a script or what have you.

Everything was fine, until one coworker started to chuckle in a mocking tone, and tell me that this was all absurd, because her relationship with the lord is real and anyone with common sense could figure out that god was real when there is obvious evil and the devil in this world. She then went to say that when we all say “the universe” it was just a chicken shit way of calling to god without saying his name or taking on the responsibility of being catholic.

And you know what, I would have been fine to let it go – if it weren’t for that chuckle.

I’m sorry, but when the sheer arrogance of your beliefs makes your tone do THAT, you my friend are being an asshat. I didn’t go off on anyone, I didn’t say anything, I was being asked and asked and ASKED about things whilst trying to curtail most of the inquisition, like everyone just wants to know WHAT ARE YOU.. Not WHO are you. Drives me crazy!

So after that I did say (similar words here) “ Come on, if you are going to scoff at me for explaining things as I understand them don’t think for a second that I won’t stand up for myself because I have been cordial to this point. I was being asked questions, which I didn’t invite I might add, and do not think that you scoffing and projecting what you believe is called for in the least. If you want to have a theological debate on what is possible and plausible and how smart a person is directly correlated to their beliefs, well I am quite prepared to have that discussion. But I would suggest at another time, as your view isn’t the only view in this room, and it is asinine to assume everyone wants to hear it.”

At this point things got really quiet, and pretty much the whole things dropped. I finished my work (still a few hours out from home time) and it wasn’t until I got home that this started to nag at me. Had I said the right thing? Could I have just left well enough alone? When will I stop rising to the occasion? For whatever reason, I just can’t ignore things at a point… and it always ALWAYS ends up with me being a villain, or in trouble of some nature. And that really sucks… because I do know better than to talk freely about such things… but it also really sucks because you can’t share the pieces of yourself that you find the most honor in, without being in some kind of mind fight.

There are a few people that I have met, that I can’t even tell you how awesome it was to meet them and be able to have open and honest, non-snide discussion about faith and beliefs. And on days like this…. I really miss them dearly. On days like this… it makes me wonder why the fuck I have a voice.

Honestly, on days like this, I wish I had learned the virtue of Temperance.

Over Joe

2011-05-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

Coffee time is so lovely, I think I will pretend you are across the table and we are chatting about things. Feel free to say something, it’s like a freaking ghost town in my mind…

*****
So here’s what I am wondering; I went to my polling place (voting that is – don’t be sick) and there was an older lady there giving away cookies to all the people who voted. She said that she wanted to encourage people to vote, and that is what she would contribute, is her limited amount of cookies. I thought it was kinda silly, but DAMN if those weren’t great cookies!! I am totally going Early next vote, just for one of her chocolaty-chippy gooey cookies. I really hope she doesn’t die.

*****
I am really sure that doing the yoga things that I have been doing is helping to tone my insides. But some of the poses, do they have to be so nasty? I don’t mean in the “this is totally a sex pose” nasty (because really, what isn’t). I mean in the stretch so far you feel like a cartoon of a guitar who’s strings are going to spiral up and die. I realise that this activity is supposed to be more about your mind and heart connecting with your body… but dude, my ham strings are not a fan.

*****
When making a list out of pro’s and con’s, I’ve determined that you should scratch the list and just do whatever it is that you are thinking about. Why? Because the nature of that list is to add more to the Pro’s than to the Con’s, and you will ultimately find more to put in that column just from the nature of the human mind. Most people can’t help themselves to the point where the Pro’s get items on their side before we allow ourselves to put down a Con. It’s so silly…. Unless you are an avid list maker. Then I think you should do one for everything!

*****
It seems with the dawn of spring, I realise how old I am. I don’t think of that in September, where my number turns. But in the spring, when there are so many things to do (like spring cleaning) and your body reminds you how crawling in the storage space was meant for more limber, less aged bones. Seriously, I thought that I would have done better with this seeing as I am getting myself more fit, and am significantly more fit than last year… but nope, my back and neck were just as cramped or even more so. I remember when I was a teenager and used to crawl into caves (they call it spelunking now, we called it Saturday boredom) and my body never felt like I was being wrung like a tie. I remember when I didn’t start sentences with “I remember when”. *sigh* … age.

Musical Revolution

2011-04-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

Today I am busting out a road trip to meet up with some of my favorite people in the universe (mostly earthlings i think lol) and am on my way to dancing my body into a frenzy... I may not be able to move tomorrow, but it will be SO WORTH IT....

The Queens Meme #80~ The Royal Wedding Pain Meme

2011-04-26T09:56:00.001-07:00

Welcome to The Queen's Meme
7 Royal Questions on Tuesday
#80 The Royal Wedding Pain Meme

I am grumpy because I've not received an invitation from Prince William and Kate Middleton to attend their upcoming nuptials in London. I'm sure it's been lost in the mail but that doesn't ease my anxiety. If it doesn't arrive soon I'll be forced to crash the event and that would be most undignified indeed - even for me! And since I'm being a royal pain in the patootie today, you may replace any of the questions you don't like with a new question. Just humor me.
Please.

1. If you received an invitation to the Royal Wedding, who would you take with you and why?
~ I would give the invite to the Queen of Meme’s (high society isn’t my thing).

2. If the Prince and his fiancee had a blog, what would the title be?
~ They likely do and it’s called something boring like “Kate’s Blog”. Honestly, people are like that. I promise.

3. Are you going to watch The Royal Wedding between Prince William and Catherine "Kate" Middleton this week?
~ No, I would imagine not. I am busy with my P90X thanks.

4. Imagine you only have $5.00 and you must buy a wedding gift for them. What would you buy?
~ A card, and I’d swap out one that is on a pricey looking gift of course ;)

5. What day-to-day marital advice would you give the couple?
~ Talk everyday about something that isn’t about yourself. Sometimes it’s all we can do to tlk about ourselves in a boring way (what are we having for dinner, what are we doing this weekend, are you going to do the dishes blah blah blah) and forget to talk about stuff in general. Really, when you say something like “Hey, gaga wore a dress of meat”, it opens up a dialogue. You get to learn about each other that way, through non-threatening conversation. People change as they age, no matter who they are. Best to keep up with it and grow with it rather than against it.

6. You have been employed as the caterer for the reception at Buckingham Palace.
What are you serving?
~ HA! Okay, well if it were me, I’d likely order in and take the credit ;) just kidding! I make some things really well, but for fancy shmancey, I got nuthin.

7. This is the Royal Wedding Route from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey. What location is missing? You must add a location along the way that you feel is a must stop for the couple before they get married. This question actually reads: You are in England and can go and visit anyone, who would it be?

~ I would chose to see Tori Amos (Songwriter Royalty). She has a lovely place up there, and I hear her garden has fairies!

Five more sleeps...

2011-04-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

And I get to see Tiesto live. To say I am excited is a gross understatement a this point lol... and with the crazy freaking cardio I've been doing, I had better be in the most optimal shape to dance the night away :) can't wait...

Musical Revolution (oye, participate already)

2011-04-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

This week I have been listening to a lot of up-tempo tunes because I have been trying to keep up with my new and improved mega-awesome work outs. AKA, i need some motivation to move my ass because I am a SLOTH by nature. haha....

Anyway, I do love my tunes, and sometimes when I look for a mash up of songs (which i recomend for workouts fyi) I find a parody or two. Well, these were pretty f*ing funny, and from the same group. Coops, you'll appreciate the first one ;)

I give you: THE KEY OF AWESOME!~!!

LOBA (Leave of Blog Absence) - Returned!

2011-04-19T08:20:00.000-07:00

Things that I have learned in my blog absence:
- Plyometrics is hella hard and will remind you very quickly that you are not 19 anymore.
- Calories still count, even if you are in a different country.
- Thankfully I know what fruits and Veggies are, so my scale didn’t yell at me.
- Blizzards in April are an Alberta norm.
- Trying to watch a live broadcast on a hotels internet connection may result in the loss of hope, and pulling out of hair.
- Luckily my country realizes that Hockey takes precedent over politics.

It was a fairly interesting week, and Decatur (Il) was beautiful. Okay, I thought it was beautiful… lol… but you give a girl the choice between snow and tulips with green grass… well, it’s not hard to see that I have a difference in relativity ;)

I got a rave review from people I went to see (on my work ethic, decorum and knowledge) , and they kindly passed that along to my boss :) So I am pretty stoked about that! Every kind word counts I’d say.

And in less than two weeks I will be seeing Tiesto in concert!!! SO EXCITED!!! My kids are on the countdown until bunny time…. I am on the count down until dance my ass off time. Lol… It’s funny how we get older, perspective of what is exciting changes ;)

What’s up with you fellow Bloggers?

Music Revolution (it's a Friday thing)

2011-04-08T05:42:00.000-07:00

Click on the dude for more music :)

Hadthese guys in my head this week. Great Canadian rock/alternative band that I don't think got the props that they should have. They broke up in 2003ish but last Jan/Feb they did a reunion tour in southern Canada that I would have loved to go to! I think the lead singer is in a tv show now (and has been in a few)... flashpoint? I can't remember.

Ode to Cheeze Whiz (for tony)

2011-04-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

We first met when I was but wee

Though you were older (circa 1953)

Your Princeton Orange hue never made me pause

Even when you turned to lava, my hand burnt and needing gauze

And whether your jar appears squat and cylindrical or with a tapered base

I know that your stabilizing agents are what I want to taste

You topped my evil veggies, my taco chips and poultry
You added more than cheese, you added personality

Published... in definition

2011-04-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

I’ve been pretty much avoiding writing things because I had an urge to enter this contest. And in the contest. Part of the rule is that you can’t have published your work… and in that rule is the definition of publish, which included self publishing on a blog. Well guess what I do every time I have a thought in my head? Ya.

I’m not sure if publishing your work on the blogosphere is such a bad thing. But really, what’s from keeping a person to make money off of your thoughts and words? Nothing really. You can stamp your blog with your copy write all you want, but how are you going to know if your epic poem on Cheese Whiz wasn’t published from someone else? And when a publisher has a work in front of them, how do they know that you haven’t ripped it off from someone? It’s a tough world out there, and there are plenty o people who just want to make a buck.

Honestly I am spinning my head into a frenzy and making excuses, because I don’t want to enter this thing and never hear back (thus meaning that I suck, because there was no validation). I mean really, why would I enter If I didn’t want the validation that YES, I can write something worthwhile! Here’s your prize you zany, witty, delightful woman! Okay, maybe that is pushing the envelope a little. Hehe. STILL, you know what I mean. I know you know what I mean, because I often read about all of you feeling the same way in your writing.

I digress though… I just want a poem to come to my brain like it sometimes does, and to send it in and then I will at least feel like I attempted something really cool. Seriously though, wouldn’t you love to win fifty grand? And from something you wrote?! I know I would.

The Queens Meme #77 ~ The Grocery Store Meme

2011-04-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

From the Queen:

Welcome to The Queen's Meme #77
Seven Royal Questions on Tuesdays
The Grocery Store Meme

The last time I went grocery shopping I came home with way too much chocolate. It wasn't supposed to be that way. I went for mangoes. But the chocolate kept calling my name.

1. Do you make a list when you go grocery shopping?
~ Yep. The best part is that Mark actually does the shopping and he sticks to the list! I can’t do that, I have no self control.

2. Do you buy more groceries when you're hungry?
~ I buy more when I am the one shopping… lol… makes no matter If I’m hungry!

3. Coupons. Use 'em?
~ Sometimes. If they are worthwhile. I don’t use them to save five cents on cheese, but I do use the ones for like five or ten bucks off diapers! Those things are essential!

4. Have you ever complained to the manager of your grocery store?
~ Not to the one I go to, but one in town. I won’t go there ever again because of the treatment I received, and the asshat response that he gave. Screw that.

5. Do you like to buy groceries at huge chain stores like WalMart? Or do you shop exclusively at food stores?
~ Like I said, I don’t do the shopping (I hate it either way) but we shop at Wal~Mart and Sobeys primarily, then Canadian Tire for cleaning supplies etc. Here there is absolutely no difference in produce (it all gets shipped in anyway) and a box of KD is the same in every store so I’m not paying a premium price for it. We go to Sobeys for our meats though, there is a strange taste to pre-packaged meats that I am not a fan of. I like the butcher there, and the cuts are always nice.

6. How much time do you spend reading labels in the grocery store?
~ We don’t eat a lot of things that have labels, so not much. We know what we buy (repetitive) and usually only look when adding something new.

7. Do you push your own grocery cart to the car and return it?
~ We have little cart carousel thingy’s here that are in the parking lot. Most of the time I wheel it back, but it depends on if Bella is in a mood.

8. What is the one food item you always buy at the grocery store that you can't live without?
~Apples. Our whole family eats an exorbitant amount of apples in a week. So If you don’t have those, don’t come home! Lol…

Music Revolution

2011-04-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

Just a wicked track that makes you move....

Attempt at a Sonnet

2011-03-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

The thought of you had not occurred before
Simple in concept but no spoken plan
How real you were had not hit my core
Now I was changing more as a woman
Noticing the bump within my body
Changing my tastes, my wants, your growing needs
Counting the stretches running across me
Admiring each as the line that feeds
But then the day of your arrival comes
And I weep for the days you were with me
All of the world I could protect you from
Now you out are here out where all can see
My love, my grace, unlike any other
I nurtured you, but you grew a mother.

Bland in the Brain

2011-03-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

When people are far smarter than you are, it sure makes you feel like you’ve missed out in the gene pool. This morning my husband was telling me about a young man who was 12, and his thought process is so advanced in mathematics and physics that he is on his way to disproving a portion of Einstein’s theory of relativity. I read the article and watched a youtube video that his mother posted, and shortly fell into that “I’m not qualified to even watch this video” category.

I remember, back in the day (oh here she goes!), I went from Jr High to High school and with that transition was the division of science class. No longer was there “Science”, there was Biology, Chemistry and Physics (which arguably is Science and Math, depending on how it is looked on in a school system I suppose) . I signed my name for all three, and received my schedule. I can remember my first Physics class like it was yesterday. I walked into the classroom, sat down in one of the middle seats, and opened my MEAD ringed booklet (it was filled with purple paper, and was scented!). The teacher (who I remember, and he was awesome) proceeded to give an outline of the class, what we could expect to learn, and how Physics would open our eyes to the world around us. He pointed to about ten formulas on the board, and I could swear he was speaking Greek!
I closed my book, stood up, and started for the door. The teacher asked where I was going, and I said “somewhere where the world makes sense, even with my eyes closed” and left.

I regretted that choice later in life. I thought that I sold myself too short, and should have at least tried to learn in that class. But I have a feeling that even with all the best teachers in the world, I likely wouldn’t have passed that class. There are just some things that a person can do, and some things that a person cannot do.

A far stretch from that day in class, I feel more confident in my abilities to be a productive member of society. But sometimes, when you see sheer brilliance in front of you, you can’t help but feel a little dull.

The Queen's Meme #76 ~The Prissy Meme

2011-03-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

From the Queen:

Welcome to The Queen's Meme #76
7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

The Prissy Meme

Many things have been said about me. Some are true. Some are lies. Some are fair. Some are sinister. But there is one indisputable not-so-secret secret about Yours Truly. I love being a girl.
That is a fact.

I know what you're thinking, guys. You can't possibly do a prissy meme even on threat of dungeon duty. Not to fear. And quite frankly, unless you're a metrosexual and want to talk about yourself, you can still answer this meme about the females in your life. So let's powder up and get on with the makeover.
(**warning** I couldn't stop at 7 questions this week)

My interjection:
I'd just like to say that I for one can't wait to see Coops answers....

1. What is your favorite lipstick color and why?
~ Berry Glosswear! It’s from Clinique, and I love it because it isn’t orange looking on me. Lipsticks and I have a bad relationship.

2. How long does it take you to get ready to go to work in the morning?
~ Well, I plod along quite slowly (it is morning you know) but I can get showered/dressed/hair & make up done in 20 minutes. Funny thing is when I take longer to primp myself, I often look the same as the 20 minute routine in about an hour. Go figure.

3. Do you have your nails professionally done? Mani? Pedi?
~ No, no and HELLS NO. People do not touch my feet, and the thought of people touching feet for a living really icks me the heck out! Honestly, I don’t think we could be friends. Lol..

4. Tell us about your latest spa experience - real or imagined.
~ *imagined* it was free, and had chocolate with no calories and a warm tropical sun, and cold tropical drinks (hepatitis free of course).

5. Is there something you'd like to change about your appearance? Would you ever have cosmetic surgery?
~ yes, I’d like to change my weight/muscle tone. I am gradually getting there, and hope to have the muscle tone thing under way by next month (not to be ripped, I mean a plan and routine. Lol). I think I would have cosmetic surgery, it’s just really expensive.

6. How do you take care of your skin?
~ I use Cliniques 3 step system for my face/neck as well at their moisture surge lotion for a little extra. I use Vichy after sun milk for sunburns, and Ombrelle SPF 60 for sun block and a variety of lotions and oils for the rest. I might be a skin product junky… lol…

7. Tell us your secrets for vibrant, shiny, healthy-looking hair.
~ Use Pantene. Lol… Seriously though, in the summer (or in high sunlight) keep something on your hair like a scarf etc and the sun won’t dry your hair. I see a lot of sun-bleached messes around August. Your hair needs sun protection too!

8. What is your favorite fragrance?
~Oh my… well. I can’t even give you a top ten!!! I can tell you what I am coveting (and want to buy, but my 200+ perfume collection has hubby looking at me like I am a little nuts…), Jean Paul Gauthier (Classic), Jimmy Choo (self title), Aura by Swarovski, and Vera Wangs Preppy Princess (hey, this is part of a collection, so I HAVE to have it!).

9. Everyone has a certain color they love to wear. What is yours?
~ Black on black with more black. I am a nightmare for What not to Wear watchers.

10. Do you have ink?
~ Yes. I’d like to have more.

11. How would you describe your personal style?
~ Right now? Unraveled. Everything I own is too big for me and not “me” at all. I was buying things just because they fit (ah the plight of a plus sized girl!), but now I am trying to be a little more picky since shedding the pounds. Cross your fingers for me in the next few months… I may have to hunt for my new style and I *might* end up in a fitting room crying…lol…. I hate shopping!!!

Earth Hour, aka the day Alberta didn’t give a rats ass.

2011-03-28T09:38:00.001-07:00

This year’s Earth Hour was this past Saturday, and as far as Albertans were concerned, it wasn’t an event. According to the power companies, there was little to no change in many regions, and increases in power in others.

I would be appalled… if I had turned off a single thing intentionally. But I didn’t. At 8:30pm my family was well into a quiet evening watching a movie. I would feel badly about this; however I have a few points of comfort:

1. The week leading to Saturday was HORRID with Isabella being sick. So the lights were out early the rest of the week, saving more than an hour of precious power =P
2. Regardless of that fact, the children weren’t sick and whiney, and would participate in a quiet activity where I could rest and conserve my own energy. Sorry Earth, but this week I think I needed it more than you did.
3. I do attempt to save on power regularly, AND like to use candle power whenever possible. So it’s almost like my earth day lasts longer than an hour on one day. So just like Valentine’s day, I see no reason to change from the norm just because some entity tells me I should.
That’s pretty much all I got.

Did you observe Earth Day? Where are your excuses to humankind? Heehee…

Musical Revolution (it's a Friday thing dude)

2011-03-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

I had this song in my head this morning when I woke up...

mashed with this song....

But with a middle beat of this song....

sometimes my head thinks of the strangest things. I wish I had the talent of some of my friends to actually produce the sounds I hear in my head. I bet I'd be rich... or at least have a lot of burnt CD's ;)

Whoa with the heavy...

2011-03-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

Reading is my downfall. I should stick to music. Haha..

So today I read an article that was pretty interesting. You can read it here if you’d like. But there was a poll done about religious affiliation, and the number of people who had stated they were not affiliated with any particular denomination (or non-religious) has become an increasing high percentage. So much so, that in seven countries (Australia, Austria, Canada, the Czech Republic, Finland, Ireland, the Netherlands, New Zealand and Switzerland) the idea of religion in going extinct.
I found this fascinating, as I have been saying religion was a dying fad for years. Not because I feel that people shouldn’t have religion, but because people are evolving themselves, and their idea of religion and spiritual growth along with it.

Think about this as food for fodder; From only a fifty year stand point, people who were your age in 1960, do you think that they were not God fearing people? Do you think that they had their own relationship with God? Or are you more prone to believe that they believed what they were told, and followed the rules set before them?

A lot of the “rules” of society are changing (beliefs on homosexuality, sexual relationships, child rearing, etc) and with it is the natural progression of personal religion. Does it make sense to you that God would punish you for being gay? Does it make sense to you that God would punish you for having sex out of wedlock? These sorts of questions have likely been around since the invention of religion, but in the recent decades have become a more widely spoken, widely accepted source of conversation.

Many people have decided that the rules of religion are not for them. That the things they thought held them to a religion wasn’t actually what the great book says. But a more transcendent, reflective, sense of being one with their own faith. And with that, many people have chosen to defy what once was natural order of religious affiliation, and simply be non-sect.

There is a larger movement of people who simply want to get along with others, and choose not to be affiliated with groups based on the premise of: you don’t tell me what to do, and I won’t tell you what to do. The idea of being ‘preached’ to is not alluring to this section of people. Added to that is the dislike of conformity and losing the individualistic view that they have of themselves. I find myself in this category more often than not, and sometimes feel that the pervasive want for connecting to humanity itself sometimes disconnects me in a primal need way, where religion (or faith) is a perfunctory instinct.

It is a perpetual and complex theory, the extinction of religion. But it’s really intriguing to me how with the times age, there seems to be an ever-steady decline in faith.

Headlines and Headaches

2011-03-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

Reading in the news today (which I should just avoid) my eyes were drawn to something that was fairly insignificant given the worlds situations. But my head started to tumble in a rabbit hole of horror from the headline: Howard Stern sues Sirius XM radio, stocks plummet as result.

Why would this matter to me? I’ll tell you.

I live in a little hick town in the middle of cow and oil lands, where all the live long day the country music can be heard from every house, retail outlet and food establishment. Sure, there is a rock station too, and that would be great… if that was my preference. But no, I have a different taste in music and so I am 100% reliant on my Sirius XM radio and it’s awesome BPM and Area 38. That is pretty bad in itself, that there are only 3 channels on the darn thing as is (I just prefer those two).

Now, why does this worry me so much? Because when companies get sued and stocks go down, investors are not happy and cuts get made. I only have the two channels to get me by, and the thought of being without my preferred music… well… It’s ungood.

Maybe this is a small thing to most, but I LOVE my music. I live for it. I listen to it all the time while I can, and LOUD if I can, whenever I can! Music fuels my mind and my soul, and makes my day complete. So if Sirius fucks with that sense of completeness, HELL HATH NO FURRY DUDE.

Just warning ya.

The Queens Meme #75~ The Mimi Moon Meme

2011-03-22T01:19:00.000-07:00

From the Queen:

Welcome to The Queen's Meme
7 Royal Questions on Tuesday
#75 The Mimi Moon Meme
The SuperMoon graced the Universe Saturday evening! Since it was a much publicized worldwide event, I thought that we as global blogging citizens should share in the telling from our respective corners of the world. And if you didn't happen out this weekend to have some lunar fun, play along anyway. I'm sure I can think of SOMEthing to ask of relevance. And besides, the lunar phase has made me antsy to do a little dungeon throwing. I haven't in a long time.
Can you moon the walk or just talk the talk?
Do your best, my friends.
Do your best.
Your future depends on it.
There's a bad moon rising.

1. Did you take a picture of the moon SuperMoon Saturday evening?
If so, please post it. If not, steal one and post it.

~ No I didn’t. I was up all night with a cookie-tossing toddler though.

2. Have you ever howled at the moon?
~ Probabaly. Seems like something I would have done in my youth.

3. Do you believe that feelings and emotions are affected by the changes in lunar phases? (ie: children misbehave, lovers misbehave, tempers fly)
~Yes and no. I think emotions change, but not feelings. Emotions are circumstantial and get affected by climate as well as the atmosphere (weather you want it to or not) where Feelings in the sense of the feeling of a person, that usually takes time to acquire. It’s not like I will fall out of love because the moon is 14% closer than normal ;)

4. In the language of astronomy, the two extremes of the moon are called ''apogee'' (far away) and ''perige" (nearby). Who or what would you like to be apogee and who/what perige?
(Crikey! I can now talk moon talk!)
~ apogee all the asshats! Perige all the awesome people! (not all at once though!)

5. Name a famous moon walker.
~ hahahah…. No.

6. Scientists claim there is no relation whatsoever between a Supermoon and natural disasters. Yet we have experienced tsunamis and earthquakes in the last 7 days on Earth. Do you believe them?
~ Yes, I believe them. This happens all the time (not yearly, but regularly) and there is no damage to coincide. I would be more prone to believing that the way human kind has treated the earth is to blame for the mass amount of crazy weather shit. Mother earth is pissed off – yo.

7. Creedence Clearwater Revival sang about the evil of the moon.
Is there a Bad Moon Rising in your life?
~ Nope. But that is a very cool track :)

A day in the life...

2011-03-21T10:09:00.001-07:00

This weekend was pretty nasty, Isabella was sick with a really bad stomach flu / ear infection. The weekend consisted of vomit, laundry, carpet cleaning and total duress (on my part). Poor Isabella was so worn out and nearly dried out from dehydration before the doctors would look at her here. That is beyond mental. Thankfully last night in the ER she was given a dose of Zofran (side effects for that drug was already apparent in her without it) and that helped to ebb the vomit. THANK THE GODS. She had been so sick; I have never seen someone that small vomit that much and so many times. It was not good at all. We stayed at the hospital until she successfully drank one of their little bottles of pedialyte (5 cc’s at a time, and it was still 2 hours, poor thing wanted nothing to do with anything going in, knowing her track record the last 2 days), and held it for an hour without vomiting, had a pee, and could hold the Motrin down.

I felt so bad for her, she is so little and that was violent. Poor thing :(
Hopefully she had some rest (Mark is off on Mondays) last night once we got home and she was able to sleep off some of the sickness.

Other than that I haven’t done too much! Yet I felt very busy.. haha…
I am re-vamping my jewel pages, and I still need to post pics etc of newer items that I have. I might be depleted again shortly though, if my mother-in-law sells it at her work. I gotta say, I rather like that arrangement! Lol..

I did have a creative draught for awhile, but it seemed that after I wrote about it and had a week to myself (the kids went to grammas) I caught my art-bug again :) which I am thankful for. I love my beads, and can’t imagine not playing with them!! People often wonder why on earth I sell them (because it isn’t like I have a lucrative business from it or anything) but I really don’t need a thousand necklaces, and also need to afford the beads! Haha… so it is a recycling project of sorts ;)

Now that I have board you enough with all that. You may continue your surf! Heehee…

Musical Revolution

2011-03-18T05:35:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs both to listen to and sing along to is by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. These guys are just awesome, and this song always gets me in a better mood from singing along.

Now for the odd part. This song, as far as I can tell is all about the suicide of their former band member. Maybe I’m wrong, but I have always thought that this song was about that. I could google it, But who wants to ruin what a song means to themselves? I know when I learned what the song “Icicle” by Tori Amos was about, I started to blush listening to it.. it was fairly uncomfortable! Lol.. I am such a crone. Haha..

Anyway, back on track here. This song makes me feel better because I can empathize with the idea of being stuck, being in a downward spiral. Being addicted and wanting to make it go away. The verse “I yell at it and tell it that it’s not my friend” to me is really a hit ‘em note. To me, this is a person struggling with addiction (you can pick your poison here) and thinking that going to the ‘otherside’ (I’d say afterlife) is the only was to be rid of the pain. Unfortunately the person in this song did kill himself, and that is sad (though the last part of this song is telling you he thought it wasn’t, the lyric changes). For me, I know what I’ve done, where I’ve been, how I’ve come out… and this song… I don’t know. It just makes me feel better. It makes me feel that the course of being in that downward spiral.. it isn’t fair, it’s not about how long you can slide. It makes me feel that I have made something of myself, and it didn’t take celebrity status to do it… I don’t slide.

Chorus
How long how long will I slide
Separate my side I don’t
I don’t believe it’s bad
Slit my throat
It’s all I ever

I heard your voice through a photograph
I thought it up it brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I’ve got to take it on the otherside

Centuries are what it meant to me
A cemetery where I marry the sea
Stranger things could never change my mind
I’ve got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on

Chorus

Pour my life into a paper cup
The ashtray’s full and I’m spillin’ my guts
She wants to know am I still a slut
I’ve got to take it on the otherside

Scarlet starlet and she’s in my bed
A candidate for my soul mate bled
Push the trigger and pull the thread
I’ve got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on

Chorus

Turn me on take me for a hard ride
Burn me out leave me on the otherside
I yell and tell it that
It’s not my friend
I tear it down I tear it down
And then it’s born again

Chorus

How long I don’t believe it’s sad

I don't even like green.

2011-03-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

This is one of those days where my grudges on Christianity whelps it's ugly head. So I try to stay the heck out of it and just let people who simply want to party, do so.

Really though, this is one of my most irk-able of days. Not because of the drinking and rush of the Irish pride. But because more often than not people have no idea what this day represents, and in today's world I find it somewhat ironic that today is marked as a secular holiday, when there is no representation of a good thing being offered. Whatever, to each their own I suppose. I don't begrudge St.Valentine... so why the dislike for St.Patrick?

it's pretty simple really.

I went to St.Patrick high, and that in itself is a reason to dislike the thought of celebrating in it's name.

The Irish pride is hilarious, since he was freaking ENGLISH.

The driving of the snakes from Ireland was symbolic of the rid of the Druids and Pagans in Ireland (either flee, flog or flip to Christianity)

He himself was a pagan until he was in his teens. I really dislike knowing that.

and the idea that the shamrock was equivalent to the holy trinity is just another (old aged) christian push, since it was long revered by the pagan community to symbolize the tri-moon.

So why don't I just suck it up and wear green (which by the way, was NOT the color of the day, it used to be blue)? Because, quite frankly, I think it's silly. And I don't even like the color green, so It's not like I have something handy for wear green day.

But I'd never begrudge a chap a beer. Green or not. So at least I'm flexible like that ;)

Bitch Post. Seriously.

2011-03-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

You know what frustrates me? People.

I know that is really a broad category, but YEISH! This week has just started and I am *up to here* with the crap! The one that is majorly pissing me off, I can’t even really talk about because it’s related to something I am not allowed to talk about. BUT I am going to vent because that’s about all I can do. And I assume you will catch the drift. Still.

This person is driving me crazy. I have to show them things, and they are supposed to LEARN. But do they take notes? NO. Do they read my notes? NO. Do they follow the instruction that I am telling them as I am talking? NO. Like seriously!! And to make matters worse, I HAVE to make sure that these things are actually done.

What’s really getting under my skin is the defeatist attitude that this person (and another one in this situation!) has with the things being shown. Statements like “I was never shown that” and “I have no idea what you are talking about” when I am CLEARLY SHOWING YOU in BABY FREAKING STEPS makes me lose my shit just a little. Just shut the fuck up, LISTEN to what I am saying, WATCH what I am showing you and WRITE IT THE HELL DOWN!!

GRR! >:(

Seriously people… if you are going to complain, at least make it worth the breath you are stealing from the rest of us. GAH.

Musical Revolution (late, but still here!)

2011-03-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

Last week the music didn't play on Friday just because I found myself watching the news pretty well all day. Again, my thoughts and heart go to all the millions who's lives have been changed through the earthquake and Tsunami from Japan.

I did have a musical Friday post slated, and will share it now. Last week my kids were at gramma's house, which left Mark and I to indulge in the things we would typically not get to do with the children around. Since both of us are dieting, and neither of us are party animals (normally) we took time to do other things that people don't think of as being a treat.

For me, that included taking a luxuriously long bath, and listening to music very loudly while getting ready for the day. I also listened to my music doing the laundry and cleaning. lol... it is so RARE that I can just listen to music, since tuning out the children is not an advisable thing! Trouble makers they are!

One of my most favorite groups to listen to, on a decibel that is wall shaking, is Enigma. This group is known for it's new aged soothing tones, but they have an epic collection of trance remixes which I LOVE. And this x-mas my friend Misty gave me the box set collection of all the remixes!! See how awesome she is! If you love Enigma, I would encourage you to buy the Platinum collection it's outstanding.

Anyway, so I had been listening to Enigma darn near all week in my house. Not confined to the truck of tunes, I blasted these songs and reveled in the glory which is the sound of music....

No music today.

2011-03-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

Japan

I watch as the land washes to the ocean

Like a Hollywood movie, rolling in scene

But the people are real

the Earth is on fire

I stare at the TV waiting for the show to change

Unreal

My heart and thoughts go to all of those in the wake of the earthquake and Tsunami's...

If I had a Million Dollars

2011-03-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

Lately Mark and I have been not talking about winning the jackpot from the Lotto Max. You read that correctly, we have not been talking about it at all. When ever a commercial comes on reminding us to buy our ticket, we both sigh and look at eachother, but there is no talking.

Why?

It’s BAD juju. Lol…

The grand prize for this Fridays draw is 50 million dollars. That is an INSAINE amount of money! Then there are a few million dollar prizes in addition that can be won. I could definitely stand to win that! Heck, I’d be happy with enough to cover the amount owing on my house! Seriously, If I owned my house out right and didn’t have to make a mortgage payment, I’d be rich. Okay, maybe not rich, but I would be well to do! I would eat my cucumber sandwiches, pinky raised and everything, yo.

Makes me wonder what money could bring. Everyone thinks of all the bad things (karma is a bitch ya know) but I would like to think more positively. Here were my thoughts, on what I would do If I won the jackpot (aside from the regular bill paying blah blah blah)…

- Move. Yes, I would! You’d think that I would move super far, but I’d really move to the city (that’s Edmonton). Why? Because I love it there and my friends are there and my family is still close. Of course that would be my summer home, and we would winter in the south pacific. But I digress…

- Hire some staff! I would definitely need the standard housekeeper, cook and nanny. But I would also hire a personal trainer, and a stylist. I’m pretty sure that If I won a few million that Erin would be my full time stylist and give up her dreams of being a teacher ;) (if you didn’t catch that link HERE IT IS AGAIN. She’s brilliant. Let her help you make safe fashion choices!)

- I would take classes all over the globe on jewelry making techniques. I LOVE my beads, and I could just imagine the freaking stacks and hoards and mounds of beads that I would have if I had the coin to buy it all!! If you have ever seen the movie sex and the city, you remember Carries closet? Well replace shoes with gemstones and beads and you have my dream space!

- Start a website and give away money on it. I would think of something that I thought was funny and make people fight over cash. That’s very democratic of me, don’t you think?

- I would publish a few people that I have read, simply because they are amazing writers and they should be read. Some on the Blogosphere (Miss Contrary, Deb, Coops, I’m looking at you) and some started out here but went on to other things (Kat, Karma and Chris, I miss your stories!)

- I would buy the stage set of The Bronze (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and I would make it into a building, and have a party there every Saturday that I wasn’t vacationing. It would be EPIC.

- I’d get me some Tigers Blood and Adonis DNA, cuz you know I’d like to be WINNING. (is that just not the most classic mess ever?!)

And of course I would do all that other general stuff like teach the kids about the world (by going places!), make sure my family taken care of (financially, not like “eh Tony, you wanna take care of that?”) and I would likely give money to a few things that I think are important. But sometimes it’s nice to just think of the crazy wild things you COULD do if you had the mullah.

What frivolous things would you do?

~ Tears until Tomorrow ~

2011-03-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

(image courtesy of google search)

As I walked in

I saw you, raw and unhidden

Fragile looking

With a tear stain cheek

So I came to you

And held you close

So that my strength

Could go to you.

I stayed with you

For one night and one day

Holding you always

As tears soak my clothes

Your head in my lap

My hand stroked

with a mothers touch.

Then you rise

And look into my soul

Unspoken thank you

I held you no longer

A peace had come

After a night and one day.

The Queen's Meme #73 ~ The Green Meme

2011-03-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

From the Queen:

Welcome to The Queen's Meme #73
7 Royal Questions on Tuesday

We will attempt to "go green" here on the Queen's Meme blog today. Even I'm green. Even Mr. Linky is green! (don't tell him) I am woefully ashamed of my non-green status in this country and wish to do better. Recyling is not my forte unless we're talking fingernails. Let's find out how green we really are. I went to this website and was SHOCKED to learn that not only am I un-American and globally unwise in this regard, but I deserve to be smacked with a non-toxic noodle as well. I hate pain. I'd rather reform. Shall we?
The Green Meme
How green are you?
**Remember! March 26, 2011 is Earth Hour!** (I'll be asleep.)

1. Do you recycle?
~ yes and no. I was really gung-ho about the RRR, but in the last 6 months I have been BAD. But I have changed my life style concerning consumables, so it’s not so bad. I don’t have pop cans, eat fresh local produce and meats, and generally reuse what I can. But I drive me an F150, have my hot tub run all winter long, and keep a light on in the hall for the kiddos.

2. Have you ever hung clothes on a line instead of using the clothes dryer?
~ Yes, but it’s icky!

3. Do you walk or bike to work to save energy?
~NO. it’s like minus forty out there!

4. Do you use a water filter for your tap water or do you buy bottled water?
~ Neither, I drink my tap water. It’s fine to drink.

5. How many trees do you kill each year buying new books?
~ erm… heh…. How many minerals do you deplete and land do you desecrate to make your kindle?? HUH??!! Lol…

6. Have you ever considered recycling your cellphone?
~ nope. I will make something from it instead (just had this conversation last night actually).

7. All you need are a few simple non-toxic ingredients like baking soda, vinegar, lemon, and soap to clean your home. Are you willing to throw away the bottled chemicals?
~ I did that two years ago. Only issue I have is that you still need bleach, dish washer tablets and HE2 friendly laundry soap. But there are a few really good companies and brands that are great (like seventh generation, and ecos).

Musical revolution (it's a friday thing)

2011-03-04T05:37:00.000-08:00

My music was all over the place this week. Take a peek at the musical mind of a madwoman...

Kimbra - Settle Down

Scooter - How much is the fish?

Rammstein - Du hast

Apoptygma Berzerk - Kathy's Song

MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS- SHAMPAIN

Is it talent, or is it behaviour?

2011-03-02T14:00:00.001-08:00

I’ve been toying with an idea for a few weeks now, and I am not certain about it. I was thinking about my lack of creative flow (with making jewelry) and why that might be. It’s not to say that all my creative juices are dried up (heck, I’ve written more poetry and a few short stories this month, so that is really different!) it’s just… it’s coming out in a different way. And that brought me to thinking that because I have been working on myself for the last few months… well, I’m changing.

Perhaps I am thinking too much about this, and there is no connection. But I always beaded when I felt anxiety, stress or was wanting to focus on something else for a long period of time. So it seems that when things are running a little more smoothly in my life… the beads cease. The last few months I have sat down numerous times to make something, and there was nothing for ideas or the idea wouldn’t weave itself out right and I would give up. It’s been strange, because normally beading things and creating things is something that makes me feel good, confident, proud. So it’s really odd to not have that specific validation in my life… not that it won’t happen again, it’s just odd.

It’s almost like a different muse is whispering in my ear… and it’s a nice change, but I miss my weaving. And I don’t know how to get it back.